On the Road

I first got the urge to make this trip when I read On the Road by Kerouac at the beginning of the year. Hitchhiking from place to place, walking when no one would drive, sleeping out in the open, and seeing what America had to offer.

When I started reading another book by Kerouac, The Dharma Bums, yesterday, that feeling immediately returned.

I want to see what makes this country so great. I want to confirm or deny this feeling I have that people everywhere are all the same, generally good but with our flaws. I long for squalor. To have nothing but my pack on my back.

It won't be the same as it could have been 50 years ago, hopping in rail cars and the like, but I still think it'd be awesome.

I'd want to mostly follow the same path Sal Paradise followed in on the road. From New York to San Fran to L.A. and on down to Mexico. Though maybe head north from Denver into Canada and head all the way down the west coast to Baja.

Just go and write the whole time. Take some notebooks, pens, my guitar, picks, and see what happens.

P.S.-Sorry for the late post, not the best day in the world.

Falling Off the Horse

I've fallen off the horse lately.

I haven't worked on my site in at least a week, I think more like two. Today was the first time I went to the gym in two weeks. I stopped using Simple.ology (about the same time I stopped doing everything else.)

It's been 75% bad, I'd say. The 25% that I'm riding on is the few things I've started in the last week:

Writing. I've written four or five pretty complete songs, a similar number of incomplete ones, a few poems, and a short story.

Reading. I read a book for the first time in months (not including a couple of books on tape, but I'm not counting that.) It was Gardens of the Moon, the first in a fantasy series that I'm now going to have to finish. I loved it. Great characterization, great story, amazing history, and really well written. I'm only expecting it to get better.

Guitar. It's going slowly, but still going. There's so much to learn and I really don't know where to start. I'm learning some chords that I've made flash cards for. Think I've got 8/10 of them down. I'll add more soon. Really need to work on transitioning from one to the next... Develop a system to move from every chord to every other one. I'll get some pointers from my little brother this weekend when he comes in.

Edit: I'm actually doing really well with this. A lot farther than I ever got in my previous attempts at guitar already.

But, while all that is well and fantastic. I need to get back on the horse with my other things. I worked out again today, nothing like that soreness. Going to keep on that bandwagon, it'll make me feel better emotionally as well.

I need to keep a positive attitude as well. I get upset for very, very, very, silly reasons sometimes. I was positively FUMING last week when Auburn lost a football game. There's no reason for me to get so upset about something so absolutely trivial. It has no direct impact on my life. Why would I let that bother me? Never again.

So that's a bit of the this and that of where I am right now. I'm figuring out some priorities and shifting them around a bit. I won't be happy until I've figured out what's really important and focus on those things.

Changing Schedules

I'm going to switch to a Tuesday, Thursday update schedule. I don't feel like I'm doing enough right now to justify three posts a week. I'd rather have two quality posts than three mediocre posts. So you'll see that change next week.

In the mean time:

Saw a doctor yesterday about my depression. It's not the Neuroscience guys, but he's all about non-traditional medicine. I've got to do a saliva test Sunday so he can mail it off Monday. He's in town too, so I don't have to worry about traveling for two hours or not having a doctor I can go to all together.

Learning guitar. I made chord flashcards last night. Just wish I had A) my electric and/or B) an acoustic. I don't like the way my brother's guitar sounds. It's throaty?

I'm writing. Quite a bit. I'm pretty much pounding out a new song every day. I'm really happy with the quality of stuff I'm producing too. It's still a little sophomoric, but it's growing. Funny how skills diminish when they're not being used.

Focusing

I need to take the time to figure out exactly who I am and what's important to me.

I still don't know. And I don't know how expect to become that person when I don't know who that person is.

It's an absurd and unreasonable expectation of myself.

The picture's becoming more clear, but it's still out of focus.

Stop Running from the Truth

I'm finally realizing and accepting that this is who I am.

I picked up a book Saturday because I liked the cover, the back of a person's head with hot pink hair and massive headphones. It's called 'Hairstyles of the Damned.' But I bought it because of one of the quotes on the back cover:

"Judging by his latest novel, Meno is a romantic at heart. Not the greeting card kind, or the Harlequin paperback version, but the type who thinks, deep down, that things matter, that art can change lives.
-Elgin Courier News

I read that and understood that's who I want to be. More, that's who I am. I've just been afraid of accepting it and expressing it as a writer. Mostly because of a lot of the things listed in that image I found on reddit.

I've also fought writing because it's been a symptom of my depression. My really inspired stuff has always been done when I'm at my lowest. Just like the rest of my symptoms, I can't ignore it any longer. I have to do something about all of them and I'm going to choose to write.

Depressed or not.

I don't know what I'm going to write. I don't know who I'm going to write for. I just know I'm going to do it.


On second thought, I do know who I'm going to write for...

I'm going to write for me.

And anyone else can jump on if they want.

Too Far, Too Fast

Basically zero productivity this week.

Basically 100% depression this week.

I didn't think my progress would be pretty much completely eliminated so quickly. I can't think of why either. I didn't do anything Thursday through Sunday because my little brother was in town and we all went to the beach.

But when I got home I couldn't get back into the swing of things. I wake up with plans for everything I want to get done and I just can't do ANY of it.

Essentially the only thing I've done this week is my blog posts. Other than that I've just watched TV and browsed the internet. I guess playing poker is something productive, but I haven't played very intelligently when I have played.

I think one reason is that my mom's been out of town this week. She's largely been my only outside support system and were she here I know I would have gotten back on track already.

I had started to think it was going to be easy and now I can see I was wrong.

I'm going to write this off as a humbling week. I need to be acutely aware of how easy it's going to be for me to fall off the horse and must always be on my guard against that.

I can't be afraid of getting back on the horse for fear of falling off again.


But, so this isn't a completely negative post and because I need to remember how important it is to have a positive attitude, here are good things I've decided this week:

Going to learn guitar. I've attempted maybe a half dozen times but never stuck with it. But, I've got a lot of time to kill here and I'm going to start using it for fun things that are productive.

Reading is another one of those things. I've gotten so far away from reading, it's kind of sad. I need to flex my mind more and it will help with my creative writing (in whatever form that may take) as well.

I don't love that it's come to this, but I'm going to schedule times to do this stuff. Until it becomes habit and enjoyable, it'll be too easy to quit. So, I'm going to schedule an hour each day to read and practice guitar. I'm probably going to do the same for working on the site and whatever else.

I may think it's lame that I have to do this now, but it'll help a lot long term and after probably a month I shouldn't be dependent on a schedule anymore.



I know I'll make it out alive though. I can't let go of the feeling that something big is just around the corner.

Fitting, No?

Found this quote that goes with the theme of the week:

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
-Ellen Goodman


If you think it sounds absurd, it's because it is.

Drop Out.

On Monday, I talked about what I think is one of the most important things I've ever learned:

Life isn't about doing what you're supposed to. Life is about doing what makes YOU happy.

I think this is a profoundly important thing to remember and implement into your thinking. It's one of those things that is always sort of staring you in the face, but you don't really realize it. It seems obvious enough, but why wouldn't everyone live this way?

Because we're not supposed to.

So many people are caught up in being a part of the rat race that they don't realize what they're doing. They're told it's so important to get a degree and a steady job and a family and a mortgage and a retirement fund, that they forget what makes them tick.

I'm not saying it's impossible to be happy doing this. I know that this is a lot of people's ideals and I'm not bashing them for that. I personally can't wait to have a family and take care of them.

I'm not here to argue the end results, that is what it is. I'm here to argue the means of getting there.

There is not one best way to get what you want out of life. Well, there is, but it's different for everyone. Doing what makes you happy every step of the way, no matter what it may be.

It may be difficult at times, money might get tight, you might lose the support of some people, and chances are you'll doubt yourself at some point. Standing out from the crowd isn't easy.

And with everyone telling you you're doing it wrong, it definitely doesn't get easier. Very few people will think the same way as you. But no one can disagree with the results.

And they'll be jealous.

It'll start even before you succeed in your goals. It will start immediately and when it does they'll try harder than ever to put you down.

You can't listen to that.

I listened to it for way too long.

I knew before I graduated high school that I didn't want to go to college right away. I was so sure that I hadn't applied to any schools. I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I knew what I didn't. (Which is equally important in doing what makes you happy.)

But then January and February rolled along and all of my friends were talking about college. Where they'd been accepted, what they were going to do, all that good stuff.

It made me second guess myself. “What the hell am I doing? I'm SUPPOSED to go to college when I get out of high school.” I applied to a couple schools, and unfortunately I had been accepted to Auburn based only on my SAT scores.

This led to some of the least happy times in my life. I made myself believe I wanted to all these things I didn't. Sure they were things I that would have been nice. Getting a degree and then being a doctor. I guess I could have done that.

But it's not what makes me happy.

So, now, almost four years (when I would be finishing up that degree), several thousand dollars in tuition, and countless wasted opportunities later, I'm finally going with my gut.

I'm not in school and I'm taking steps to lead a life that will make me happy.

By no measure of standard is it what I'm supposed to do. It's still hard to talk about what I'm doing because I know it's not what I'm supposed to do. When I tell people, there's this sense of "What are you thinking?" that falls over them. Few people understand, support, and are excited about it.

But I can't worry about them. Because they don't know what's best for me. They might think they do, but they don't.

I've seen too many people who go through life unhappy because they're doing what they're supposed to. I won't be one of them.

Only I know what is best for me. And it isn't what I'm supposed to do.

I'm dropping out of the rat race. If you feel society isn't getting you off, I want you to drop out too.

Stop running blindly to that shitty cheese at the end and open your eyes to see that what you really want has been around you all the time.

You just have to quit doing what you're supposed to.

Somethin' Don't Feel Right, Doc

Our current societal system is broken.

I wanted that to be a big impacting sentence that just resonates with you. Some truth that you've always known was there, but never put to words. Like the laws of physics.

I don't think it was. But that might be because it's not something that I'm just realizing.

I guess it isn't completely broken (though a look at the last week's stock markets might tell a different story). But it doesn't work the way it should.

It's like bad sex: It only cares about getting itself off. Not everyone involved. The result is that someone isn't satisfied with the process.

I'm that someone. Society and the way our society operates, at large, doesn't get me off. I don't feel that the American way, and probably the western way, is designed to make me happy. Here's what I mean...

When you're a kid, everyone you ever speak to says "You can be whatever you want."

You want to be an astronaut? Well we can never have too many Neil Armstrongs!

Cowboy? Well that's just fine with me pard'ner!

Police officer? I'll sure feel safe with you on the streets!

You hear that all the time growing up. "You can be whatever you want." Until it actually becomes time to grow up. Then, suddenly, your paths become limited. There is a set path to walk down, you find. You have to graduate high school. Then, you go to college.

But why?

Well, son. You go to college so you can get a good job.

But why?

Well, that way you'll be able to support yourself and your wife and your children.

But why?

So that you'll be able to put them through college and retire when you're 65.

But why?

Because that's just what you're supposed to do.

Now I'm going to impart some knowledge that I learned recently. It's one of the most important things I've ever learned and I hope anyone that reads this fully grasps it, takes it to heart, and applies it:

Life isn't about doing what you're supposed to. Life is about doing what makes YOU happy.

I want you to think about that for the next couple days.

On Wednesday, I'm going to do a follow up, explaining more why I feel this way and why I think it's important that everyone should feel this way.

Results You can Feel!

Being a results driven individual has it's ups and downs. Seeing results pushes me further and further. If I'm not seeing results, I don't really push. So, getting momentum going is pretty hard sometimes for me.

In my first week of regimented workouts there's already noticeable gains.

Not really, "Hey you look bigger!" but more "Hmm, my iPod holder needs to be loosened from where it was previously." Noticing the little things leads to bigger ones.

I started drinking Muscle Milk again, forgetting that the periods when I was getting strongest, I was using this product.

So that's going well, even if I haven't started a full on crossfit work out. I just don't have the equipment necessary to do get into it the way I would want. In the mean time I'm using my mom's church's gym. It's more than adequate for a basic workout routine.

Only about five days into my "not thinking about things that bring me down", or whatever you want to call it, and it's working like a charm so far. There have been a couple times where I've started to get upset or annoyed and just stopped whatever I was doing. The same goes for not storing things up.

It's been a great week emotionally and mentally after a pretty shoddy weekend.

However, I've been less than %100 productive this week in regards to both the website and simple.ology. I got a good amount of work done Monday and started to learn something new Tuesday, but that's really been about it.

I'm finding that I'm mostly productive during the day, even if it's just helping out around the house or some such, but when night comes around I'm just killing time like always. Granted, I do play poker mostly at night. So that's one good thing.

But I need to budget my productivity so that I don't think, "Well, I worked pretty hard today, I can take the night off." Getting a job will help this I think. Because in order for me to be productive on the things I want to do, I'll have to work on them at night when I get home.

Just a quick update for today, we're going to the beach today for Shrimp Fest, should be a fun weekend.

Hasta.

Getting at Those Pesky Roots

I said that until I get at the roots of my depression I won't be able to really be free of it. No matter how good I am at reducing the symptoms, part of it will still be there and rear it's ugly head occasionally.

I'm sure part of it is chemical. And I'll begin taking care of that more fully soon.

But a lot of it is me storing up years of anxiety.

Rarely do I talk about something when it's bothering me. I keep it to myself until finally I've had enough and I have a meltdown. This is good and bad. I rarely get really angry. Like, ever.

But when I do it's like Russell Crowe in a no holds barred match against a plethora of paparazzi. I cry, I yell, I punch walls (or people, or trees, or houses... my hands suffer the most.) But, almost as quickly as it comes it's gone again.

It's gone on this way for years, a long period of outward calm and then a blip of intense emotion. I'm sure you can see how this is good for interacting with people. People like me because I'm easy to get along with and don't ruffle too many feathers.

But for me, it's not really the best recipe for success. It takes a lot of effort to keep all that frustration under wraps. It would behoove me to just let it out and get on with it.

OR

Just let it go all together.

It sounds easy I guess and I'm not sure why I haven't done something about it before.

I guess I've spent too much time and effort figuring out what caused my problems and then being upset about the cause and not enough time FIXING the problems.

I realized it last night when I was talking to my mom. She suggested seeing a therapist to talk to. I said I didn't think that was necessary cause I've spent so much time talking to myself that I've got a pretty solid idea what's caused a lot of my depression.

"But are you able to let go of it?"

I don't think I've been able to. I've spent so much time being angry that I haven't let go of what's causing all the drama.

I spent years being angry at my older brother for crushing my self esteem growing up.

I spent years being angry at my father for never being there.

I've spent the last couple years being angry at myself for making so many mistakes coming out of high school and my apathy and financial ineptitude.

Being angry about these things hasn't done anything to fix the problems. Instead of dwelling on these problems after I discovered them, I should have decided to just LET. GO.

The past is past and you can't change it by being mad. Not that you can't let it shape your decisions for the future, but you can't let it rule your life.

See the things in your past you aren't happy with that have affected you.

Learn from them.

FORGET ABOUT IT.

This may upset the balance of some relationships, it definitely will with my father. Or it might FINALLY FIX THINGS, like it's going to with my brother and with myself.

But I've found the hard way you can't focus on keeping everyone else happy. You have to focus on keeping you happy.

It's time to stop being angry and just be.

I literally had these revelations last night and this morning and while I'm writing this. I hope you guys get at least a small bit of satisfaction and help from them.

Strengthening/Weakening Decisions

I had a terrible weekend. Saturday night I was so depressed and lonely I encouraged the dog to sleep in my bed.

The cat too.

I hate cats normally.

Sunday wasn't as bad, more of a fall out from the night before. But I didn't get anything done.

One of the staples of simple.ology is the Power Praxes. This is a system of evaluating what makes you stronger and what makes you weaker. I'll talk more about the simple.ology part later, but about how I can relate that to my mental state now.

The basic idea is that you look at a decision and think: "Will this make me stronger or weaker?" It's simple. If it's something that makes you weaker, you don't do it. If it makes you stronger, you do.

Simple.

I realized this morning I can apply that to my emotional state as well. I can't say specifically what started my downturn Saturday night. But I know that I was feeling lonely. I have to start paying close attention to my emotions and whenever they start slipping, I have to ask myself, "What is making me feel this way, specifically?"

And then stop whatever it is.

I know it's not a perfect solution. It's like a weed. You know that unless you get the roots it's going to grow back. But I don't yet know how to get at the roots. They're encased in lead or something. So until I figure that out, I have to keep chopping at what I can get at.

The more I do practice this train of thought, the easier it will be the next time and the next time and the next time. Until eventually, I won't think twice about doing the things that make me stronger and cutting out the things that make me weaker.

It definitely isn't perfect, but they're steps that will lead me to perfection, however small they may be.

Baby steps!

Little Victories

Song I heard tonight when I was watching Scrubs. Really good for me right now. Great song. Czech it.



Little Victories
-Matt Nathanson

This time, I'll be sailing
No more bailing boats for me
I'll be out here on the sea
Just my confidence and me

And I'll be awful sometimes
Weakened to my knees
But I'll learn to get by
On little victories

This time, I'll have no fear
I'll be standing strong and tall
Turn my back towards them all

And I'll be awful sometimes
Weakened to my knees
I'll learn to get by
And I'll learn to get by
On the little victories
And if the world decides to catch up with me
It's a little victory.

Getting It Right the First Time

Not going to be a big post today, I just spent an hour writing something that was really unhappy with. I'll come back to that story later, but not until I have time to make it not suck.

I guess that contradicts my post title a bit, but that's not I want to talk about...

Continuing in the theme of the week, I'm talking about my site. I'm peer testing the design a lot. Most major changes I run by people to get their opinion. The more feedback I get on it now, the fewer changes I have to make on it in the future when it'll be harder to change.

I'm taking advice on ideas, two of the best changes I've made have come at others' suggestions.

So continuing in that vein, here's what I've got as of today.


Click for larger view.

The navigation bar going across the top is going to be cut and I'm going to have the tabs be the nav bar. They're choppy now, but I just wanted to get an idea of how it'd look before I spent the time making them look great.

The big bubbles in the middle will be News/Featured Stories type things. Not sold on that layout.

But that's that. Tell me what you think, what you think I should change, what could be more clear, what I could add. Thanks a bunch.

Now it's back to work. Or maybe food...

The Diary of a First Time Designer

Day 1:

I'm making a website.

Day 2:

Oh shit... I'm making a website?

Day 3:

I $@%!ing hate Photoshop and the g#%%^@n teacher who thought she was teaching me a mother $@%!ing thi... *commence seizures*

In all seriousness, I like Photoshop. It's just got a bitch of a learning curve.

Right now I'm designing the basic layout of the site. The top banners, where I want the text boxes to go, sign in box, fonts, colors, those sorts of things.

It's sloppy still, most things are leveled by eye, not computer, so maybe not completely level. I'll be able to fix that as I program it in. Just a loose blueprint for the most part.

I'm really happy with the idea I had for my header. Once I perfect the font, I think it's going to look super solid. My friend Tynan had a great idea to make something cleaner that I was really unhappy with, it'll look easily 10x better just by implementing this quick fix.

I'm going to implement a forum, which will be easy with phpBB (best open source forum out there). The point of this forum is to really create a community among the authors, a place where they can discuss the texts, plot development, world development, and everything else about writing.

Also, this is going to be the only place to lobby for their stories. Because it's vote based, it's going to be imporant to garner the support of other people. The forums will be key to having your voice heard, especially for the less established writers. I fully expect there to be alliances, groups banding together to push a certain plot line, using their collective brilliance to make the best story.

I've been encountering a lot of "So where do I go now?" as I progress. Being my first time, I'm not positive on how it's done. It's awkward and there's a lot of feeling around in the dark. (Seriously a lot of parallels to teen sex... Programs that work beautifully, if you know how to use them... The possibility of everyone finding out you're terrible... Shame.) I've been going a lot on the help of my friends. It's good to have people around who already know what they're doing. Tynan already runs several sites and my friend Pat knows a lot about coding and offered to help me with the more complicated stuff.

Resources are the best.

Other news:

Been having some off days lately. My initial "LET'S DO THIS" has tapered a bit, which is typical of me. But even with the reduced productivity, I'm still getting an assload more done than I was before.

I've had some depression spikes the last couple days, partly because of the reduced productivity, partly causing the reduced productivity. But, I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to get all the tests done that I need to for the neurotransmitters. In order to start that though, I started taking some 5-htp this morning (100mg, single serving) and after maybe 3 hours I already feel different up top. I feel BETTER. It may be mental, just thinking better because I took something, in the same sense that a placebo would work. But who cares. I FEEL better.

I've been bad about getting on my workout schedule. I'll workout today.

Simple.ology is going well. The small lessons are getting kind of annoying because it seems like I haven't done/learned much in the last week or so. But the daily praxes are due to start in two days I think. The computer programs are also frustratingly poorly written. I have a sloppy workaround for one, but the other won't even let me shut my computer down when it's running.

I can't understand that one.