"Do you want to go to the bedroom?" she asked.
"No. I want to make a website."
Don't worry, I'm not quite ready to post the self improvement of my sex life here. Also, I need to not talk about my sex life as being "self" improvement anymore. Kinda gives off the wrong impression...
Anyway.
I'm starting on my first website. I was hesitant to divulge any major details about it at first, fearing that once I let it out into the universe, it would be inevitably ruined or stolen or some nonsense. But then I realized that's absurd. AND even if someone is douchey enough to steal my idea, it won't matter anyway cause I'll make my site 10x better than theirs.
I like to write (one of my favourite things about having a blog thus far).
I have zero desire to be a starving artist or to ever have that be a remote possibility.
So, how am I to make a steady income that incorporates, but not necessarily is limited exclusively to, writing?
One option is to become a professional blogger. Something I could see myself enjoying eventually, I'd want to build up my repertoire of life experience first before I took it super seriously.
The other option, is Writing Republic (tentative title).
*Cue fireworks*
The idea originally came about while I was thinking about PostSecret and how Frank makes a living pretty much doing nothing but providing a very simple outlet for people. (Originally at least, he does tour to colleges now.) I thought, "I can easily come up with something just as good pretty easily."
I did.
In very simple terms, it's like the game pretty much everyone played when they were kids. A story is started and is passed off to the next person, who continues the story in their own fashion, until the story is completed.
This in and of itself could be and has been the basis for a pretty good website. Online, it's called "Addventuring." These stories typically involve many branches of stories, going in all different directions, sometimes never ending.
That's going to be a key difference between my site and the others. There will only be one storyline per story and there will be finality.
But how? How can one story possibly be selected from the multitudes sent in and still encourage people to write more?
I leave that to the people. A vote. A Republic perhaps?
(You see what I did there?)
The stories will be started and the readers/authors will submit the next section or chapter of the story. These submissions will be posted and then voted on for a period of time. The winner of the vote becomes the next, set in stone, section or chapter. The readers/authors will then base the next section from the previous one and it will be voted on, rinse and repeat until the story is completed.
There will be very few parameters set. I want there to be a lot of freedom in the writing, people changing points of view, who the protagonist is, what the conflict is. So I won't limit it by saying "This story is going be a coming of age story written in the third person."
I think those sort of constructs are the things that limit people's skill and enjoyment of the writing process. Broad guidelines, like simply defining what genre the story will be in, will lead to much more creativity and thus participation.
I'll let the authors define whether or not something should be done a certain way. It's pretty much all going to be in their control.
One of the few exceptions to this rule is going to be length of submissions and frequency of submissions. I don't want the stories to be hijacked by a particular author.
The length is self explanatory. People aren't going to wade through a submission if they know they don't have to vote for it.
But frequency of submissions, or wins rather, is to prevent a particular author from becoming all powerful. I think I'll limit the consecutive wins to three. Which is more than enough time to sway a storyline completely, but few enough to prevent it from dominating a story. (The number of times I'll allow depends on what I set the submission length to.)
I know I can make this site a success, because I know there are thousands of people who, like me, love writing, but aren't willing to make the plunge. So it sits idly as an unused or seldom used skill. People will take the time to write a chapter when they know they can easily abandon it. It's optional commitment.
An open relationship, if you will.
But, because it's optional, there should also be a reward system to encourage people to stay committed. Part of that system will be in the process itself. Seeing that your writing was good enough to garner the support of others who voted for you.
But I don't think that will be enough to get continued participation from the more casual writers, regardless of their skill level. So, I'm going to throw in a little more to the mix:
I'm going to get the stories published.
Not all of them, hopefully there will be too many stories to make that a reality, at least in the near future. I'll probably continue the voting system to decide which stories will be published. (Double benefit, the ones that win are most likely the better stories and will thus sell the most.)
But why would people participate so I can make money off of their hard work? Well, Frank from PostSecret would say because of the sense of community, not feeling like you're the only one who feels a certain way. (Seriously, before his tours he didn't do anything.) But, because your submissions may not win, I'm going to take it one step farther:
I'm going to share the profit of the book sales with the authors of the books.
I can't say how much, as I really don't know much about the publishing process. I could make the payout percentage based, depending on how much of the story was written. Or I could do flat-rate. Not sure, but that's not going to be an issue for a little while still.
So, that's the idea. A writing site that lets the community actually be a part of something. Being published is one of the biggest rewards an author can have. This is going to make that a possibility for everyone and encourage them to keep working at writing.
It's going to be a game, a challenge, a reward system, a means of expression, all rolled into one.
I'll have more on this for sure. Specifics about the site, stuff like forums, campaigning, alliances, and everything else that could arise. Wednesday (I'm going to adopt a more formal, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, posting calendar) I'll talk on some of the things I'm encountering as a first time web designer in the early stages.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Good news:
I'm ahead of the game.
I still feel really good about what I'm doing and I think that counts for a lot.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Planning Makes Perfect: Finances (5 of 5)
I almost put this off until morning, sorta tired. But that wouldn't really be in the spirit of what I'm trying to do. So forgive any typos and oversights you may encounter.
I'm bad with money. I think it's a trait inherited from my parents. One who always made keeping up appearances a priority and the other who just liked to spend it when they got it. Budgeting is not something I'm familiar with.
Won't work.
I'm going to create a pretty thorough budget. Detailing specifics for everything I would need money for. Food, shelter (rent/power/water/gas), fuel, gym membership (if applicable), spending money, savings, and anything else I think of. I'm going to err on the up-side, so even if I'm running heavy one month in something I know I'll be covered.
My main priority right now is to pay off my credit card. After that is accomplished, I'll be saving the majority of my earnings. I'll be spending some, I want to get Kettlestacks, for instance, as kettlebells are used frequently in Crossfit. My expenses will be mostly things of that nature, items I'll further use in my reformat and beyond. I don't expect to spending more than a couple hundred dollars a month, those items included.
I'm going to create this budget while I'm free of the majority of my financial responsibility. Once I go back out on my own, instead of letting my pay grade influence my budget, I'm going to make my budget influence my pay grade. I'm going to make whatever amount I decide on to be my bare minimum month to month.
That seems backwards, but I think the motivation of "I have to make this much every month" will be a lot stronger than "I can get by on this much every month." I don't want bare minimum anymore.
I won't settle for bare minimum anymore. Balls out from now on.
Having that budget won't do any good if I don't have a way to keep it. For making money, I'm going to do several things.
Firstly, I'm designing a web site. I started on Wednesday with the design stages. Think I came up with a name I'm happy with today. I'm going to keep the details, other than it will be a writing site,under wraps for now; but the people I have talked with about it think it's a good, marketable idea. There are a few sites out there that are similar, but not many and only one that I saw that was of any quality. I like the marketshare of being one of two competitors.
I'm going to devote a heavy portion of my time to this, since it's going to take quite a bit of work. If I bust ass on it, I'll definitely be able to have it up by the end of the year. Probably out of the beta stages by then, making changes to increase traffic, etc.
Secondly, I'm going to start playing poker when I get some money in my pocket. It's a somewhat ludicrous venture, yes. But taking calculated risks is the best way to acquire wealth. There's a lot less gambling than most people generally think, much more calculations of odds and outs and the like. And definitely something with no limit to how good I can get and how much money I can make.
Until I make enough money that I'm comfortable starting to play, I'm going to devote a portion of each day, most likely at least an hour, to either learning more about the game or playing the game for free. This way I'll be better prepared when I actually start, making the learning curve of losing money as short as possible. There are treasure troves of information out there that most people don't take advantage of, videos and books by the boatload. I know people don't take advantage of them because people lose money playing. Over the long run, poker is a beatable game.
These are both highly portable ventures, I can play poker and manage a website from anywhere in the world. Which is an important feature for me, I don't plan on staying in one place for too long anymore, but I'll have a post devoted to that later.
But both of these ventures take not only start up costs, but start up time. I'm betting hard on them though. To the extent that the job I'm going to be seeking here in Dothan, will be one in which I have even a modicum of free time to work on these things. This will be the priority in my job hunt, not the amount of money it pays; any job I'm able to get will be a difference of couple dollars per hour at most anyway. I want to be able to either a book to read about design or poker or, best case scenario, I have a computer to program and play in my down time. Unless you're doing manual labor, chances are you've got a hefty bit of down time every day in your job. I'm going to use this down time to my advantage.
So there it is and here I am.
This concludes my five-part planning stage of my reformat. I detailed the four major aspects of my life that I need to work on and how I plan to do it. If I stick to these plans, I can't fail. It might get difficult at times, but I'm not afraid of working hard. It's been a long time that I've broken a sweat and I'm eager to remember what it's like.
I'm bad with money. I think it's a trait inherited from my parents. One who always made keeping up appearances a priority and the other who just liked to spend it when they got it. Budgeting is not something I'm familiar with.
Won't work.
I'm going to create a pretty thorough budget. Detailing specifics for everything I would need money for. Food, shelter (rent/power/water/gas), fuel, gym membership (if applicable), spending money, savings, and anything else I think of. I'm going to err on the up-side, so even if I'm running heavy one month in something I know I'll be covered.
My main priority right now is to pay off my credit card. After that is accomplished, I'll be saving the majority of my earnings. I'll be spending some, I want to get Kettlestacks, for instance, as kettlebells are used frequently in Crossfit. My expenses will be mostly things of that nature, items I'll further use in my reformat and beyond. I don't expect to spending more than a couple hundred dollars a month, those items included.
I'm going to create this budget while I'm free of the majority of my financial responsibility. Once I go back out on my own, instead of letting my pay grade influence my budget, I'm going to make my budget influence my pay grade. I'm going to make whatever amount I decide on to be my bare minimum month to month.
That seems backwards, but I think the motivation of "I have to make this much every month" will be a lot stronger than "I can get by on this much every month." I don't want bare minimum anymore.
I won't settle for bare minimum anymore. Balls out from now on.
Having that budget won't do any good if I don't have a way to keep it. For making money, I'm going to do several things.
Firstly, I'm designing a web site. I started on Wednesday with the design stages. Think I came up with a name I'm happy with today. I'm going to keep the details, other than it will be a writing site,under wraps for now; but the people I have talked with about it think it's a good, marketable idea. There are a few sites out there that are similar, but not many and only one that I saw that was of any quality. I like the marketshare of being one of two competitors.
I'm going to devote a heavy portion of my time to this, since it's going to take quite a bit of work. If I bust ass on it, I'll definitely be able to have it up by the end of the year. Probably out of the beta stages by then, making changes to increase traffic, etc.
Secondly, I'm going to start playing poker when I get some money in my pocket. It's a somewhat ludicrous venture, yes. But taking calculated risks is the best way to acquire wealth. There's a lot less gambling than most people generally think, much more calculations of odds and outs and the like. And definitely something with no limit to how good I can get and how much money I can make.
Until I make enough money that I'm comfortable starting to play, I'm going to devote a portion of each day, most likely at least an hour, to either learning more about the game or playing the game for free. This way I'll be better prepared when I actually start, making the learning curve of losing money as short as possible. There are treasure troves of information out there that most people don't take advantage of, videos and books by the boatload. I know people don't take advantage of them because people lose money playing. Over the long run, poker is a beatable game.
These are both highly portable ventures, I can play poker and manage a website from anywhere in the world. Which is an important feature for me, I don't plan on staying in one place for too long anymore, but I'll have a post devoted to that later.
But both of these ventures take not only start up costs, but start up time. I'm betting hard on them though. To the extent that the job I'm going to be seeking here in Dothan, will be one in which I have even a modicum of free time to work on these things. This will be the priority in my job hunt, not the amount of money it pays; any job I'm able to get will be a difference of couple dollars per hour at most anyway. I want to be able to either a book to read about design or poker or, best case scenario, I have a computer to program and play in my down time. Unless you're doing manual labor, chances are you've got a hefty bit of down time every day in your job. I'm going to use this down time to my advantage.
So there it is and here I am.
This concludes my five-part planning stage of my reformat. I detailed the four major aspects of my life that I need to work on and how I plan to do it. If I stick to these plans, I can't fail. It might get difficult at times, but I'm not afraid of working hard. It's been a long time that I've broken a sweat and I'm eager to remember what it's like.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Planning Makes Perfect: Health (4 of 5)
I just weighed myself using my family's Wii Fit.
136 lbs.
That's an increase of like three pounds from last Wednesday, or there abouts.
That's awesome. Like, woah.
Unfortunately, there's no way that's all muscle, like I want it to be. I've exercised three times since then: skim boarding at the beach, a workout yesterday, and a workout tonight.
Irregular workouts won't do it. I'm going to get on a schedule and work out on those days, even if it's not the work out that I had planned. If I'm dying and I really can't do it, I'll at least do some yoga or stretches.
I'm going to start doing Crossfit again. I'm pretty convinced it's the best training regimen out there for full body fitness. It's all about active movements, pushing yourself to your absolute limit, and shocking your body with different exercises every day. It's free and the exercises are posted daily in a three on one off format.
Navy Seals, SWAT teams, firefighters, olympians, they all use it. Designed to take only about a half hour, you really get in there, hard, and get out. I did it for a month about a year ago and nearly puked on a number of occasions. In only a month I was in massively better shape. Stronger, leaner, great stamina.
The only problem I had with it will probably be remedied by doing the workout on my own. I wasn't seeing any real increase in size. I was more cut, but the size that comes with strength gain wasn't there; I think it's because the class we did it in was geared too much for an "Everyone can do it!!!" kind of feel. The range of body types was huge. From mine and my friends' 20-something fit bodies to a couple people who might be classified as obese to a 65 year-old woman. I'll be able to do the suggested routine (we didn't follow the website) and work at my own pace to focus on the things I want from the work out.
I think I'm gonna be able to grab my older brother's weight set this weekend, so I won't have to join a gym. Also, my weight vest that I used for climbing will come in handy once I get rolling with it.
That takes care of exercise, but diet will also be an important routine.
For now, I'm going to continue my quantity over quality approach. I'm loving being full all the time and when I'm not full, I'm on my way to the kitchen to get that way. I'm averaging pretty close to five meals a day and I swear I ate about a pound and a half of shell fish last weekend.
It seems to be working pretty well, as I've gained three pounds already. Now that I'm on a work out schedule, I may have to start eating even more to sustain my calorie intake.
Eventually, I'm going to do a little bit of research and create a version of MaxDiet that works for me. Or, if I'm not satisfied with my findings, just get on the MaxDiet.
I just can't add that to all I'm working on right now. I know that if I throw myself into the fire more than I am, I won't be able to sustain it and I'll wind up stopping something that I'm working on. I don't want to do that as everything I'm working on is extremely important.
Another aspect of my health that I have to work on is my sleep schedule. It's not as miserable lately as it has been in the past, but it's by no means what you would call good. Usually at least two before I'm in bed, up anywhere from eight to ten. Seeing that, I would have called that great a month ago. But I want to strive for greatness now, not what I would have called great a month ago.
I've had periods during the day where I'm exceedingly tired for no apparent reason, sometimes needing to take a nap, which isn't something typical of me. I guess it's just because of the shift my sleep schedule has undergone. It was four to five every day the last couple weeks I was in Austin before I got to sleep.
So, there's my fitness/health/exercise/whateveryouwanttocallit plan. I won't be able to kick Crossfit into high gear until I get a weight set, but I'm going to do my own workouts on the same days until then.
Soon, I'll be kicking ass and taking names. Huge lists of names.
136 lbs.
That's an increase of like three pounds from last Wednesday, or there abouts.
That's awesome. Like, woah.
Unfortunately, there's no way that's all muscle, like I want it to be. I've exercised three times since then: skim boarding at the beach, a workout yesterday, and a workout tonight.
Irregular workouts won't do it. I'm going to get on a schedule and work out on those days, even if it's not the work out that I had planned. If I'm dying and I really can't do it, I'll at least do some yoga or stretches.
I'm going to start doing Crossfit again. I'm pretty convinced it's the best training regimen out there for full body fitness. It's all about active movements, pushing yourself to your absolute limit, and shocking your body with different exercises every day. It's free and the exercises are posted daily in a three on one off format.
Navy Seals, SWAT teams, firefighters, olympians, they all use it. Designed to take only about a half hour, you really get in there, hard, and get out. I did it for a month about a year ago and nearly puked on a number of occasions. In only a month I was in massively better shape. Stronger, leaner, great stamina.
The only problem I had with it will probably be remedied by doing the workout on my own. I wasn't seeing any real increase in size. I was more cut, but the size that comes with strength gain wasn't there; I think it's because the class we did it in was geared too much for an "Everyone can do it!!!" kind of feel. The range of body types was huge. From mine and my friends' 20-something fit bodies to a couple people who might be classified as obese to a 65 year-old woman. I'll be able to do the suggested routine (we didn't follow the website) and work at my own pace to focus on the things I want from the work out.
I think I'm gonna be able to grab my older brother's weight set this weekend, so I won't have to join a gym. Also, my weight vest that I used for climbing will come in handy once I get rolling with it.
That takes care of exercise, but diet will also be an important routine.
For now, I'm going to continue my quantity over quality approach. I'm loving being full all the time and when I'm not full, I'm on my way to the kitchen to get that way. I'm averaging pretty close to five meals a day and I swear I ate about a pound and a half of shell fish last weekend.
It seems to be working pretty well, as I've gained three pounds already. Now that I'm on a work out schedule, I may have to start eating even more to sustain my calorie intake.
Eventually, I'm going to do a little bit of research and create a version of MaxDiet that works for me. Or, if I'm not satisfied with my findings, just get on the MaxDiet.
I just can't add that to all I'm working on right now. I know that if I throw myself into the fire more than I am, I won't be able to sustain it and I'll wind up stopping something that I'm working on. I don't want to do that as everything I'm working on is extremely important.
Another aspect of my health that I have to work on is my sleep schedule. It's not as miserable lately as it has been in the past, but it's by no means what you would call good. Usually at least two before I'm in bed, up anywhere from eight to ten. Seeing that, I would have called that great a month ago. But I want to strive for greatness now, not what I would have called great a month ago.
I've had periods during the day where I'm exceedingly tired for no apparent reason, sometimes needing to take a nap, which isn't something typical of me. I guess it's just because of the shift my sleep schedule has undergone. It was four to five every day the last couple weeks I was in Austin before I got to sleep.
So, there's my fitness/health/exercise/whateveryouwanttocallit plan. I won't be able to kick Crossfit into high gear until I get a weight set, but I'm going to do my own workouts on the same days until then.
Soon, I'll be kicking ass and taking names. Huge lists of names.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Planning Makes Perfect: Productivity (3 of 5)
Fact: I'm lazy.
I've never had to work hard for what I want, so I don't really have much work ethic. Especially when it's something I'm not being directly paid for. I like seeing the fruits of my labor up front.
None of this patience baloney.
But that's something I have to change.
Now.
I need to learn use my efforts and hard work as payment while keeping the goal for the long run in focus.
To do this, I've started a program called Simple.ology. It's a forty day program designed to keep you on target for your goals. It's used by athletes, CEOs, anyone tyring to be more productive. The author, Mark Joyner, seems to know what he's doing too, with a number of #1 best sellers.
It's principles are based on building something brick by brick. Staying focused for an extended period of time, avoiding distractions, limiting your focus, and always progressing.
It's got daily video lessons, only about two to three minutes a piece. Most of them include an experiment to help prove the point (the most recent was stabbing a box with a knife and spoon to demonstrate the power of focused energy). After the lessons, you take a short quiz, and fill out a very brief questionnaire about what you learned. You're also encouraged to read the lesson (out loud if possible) and then listen to the lesson finally as an mp3. There is a very big emphasis on repetition, virtually taking each lesson 3 times a day. Which, due to the short length, isn't as bad as it may sound.
It also uses several programs to keep you on task: a desktop manager, it has a checklist, "dreamcatcher", "lockbox", and a "daily praxis" box; I'm not sure what the latter three are specifically used for yet, as I'm not that far in the daily lessons (designed to be done in about 15 minutes a day.) Also used is a task bar program, which I can neither use or uninstall for some reason, and a web page blocker to keep you on task while browsing, which is only available for internet explorer, so I don't use it either.
After being on the program for only a week, I'm already loving the results. I'm finally focusing on the things I want to accomplish, I'm setting goals, I'm planning for the future in ways that make me want to achieve my goals.
Having a checklist is awesome. It's always on my desktop and if I haven't completed something those empty check boxes just glare at me until I've done them. Checking stuff off is super rewarding in and of itself, it's like crack.
I can't wait to start the daily praxes, even though I'm not sure exactly what they are yet. According to some of the testimonials, it's the best part of the program.
The only complaint I've had so far is the peddling of follow up products in various emails. There are two other Simple.ology courses (this one is 101) that are not free, but are more specific. 102 is for businesses and making them profitable and 103 is for increasing and maintaining your energy. I may try them at some point in the future, but I'm loving the free one for now.
Again, I'm only a week in, so I haven't gotten to the real meat and potatoes of the course, but if it's anything like the first week I know it'll be great.
I know that if I continue to build productive habits and maintain the ones I build, I'll be well on my way to success.
I've never had to work hard for what I want, so I don't really have much work ethic. Especially when it's something I'm not being directly paid for. I like seeing the fruits of my labor up front.
None of this patience baloney.
But that's something I have to change.
Now.
I need to learn use my efforts and hard work as payment while keeping the goal for the long run in focus.
To do this, I've started a program called Simple.ology. It's a forty day program designed to keep you on target for your goals. It's used by athletes, CEOs, anyone tyring to be more productive. The author, Mark Joyner, seems to know what he's doing too, with a number of #1 best sellers.
It's principles are based on building something brick by brick. Staying focused for an extended period of time, avoiding distractions, limiting your focus, and always progressing.
It's got daily video lessons, only about two to three minutes a piece. Most of them include an experiment to help prove the point (the most recent was stabbing a box with a knife and spoon to demonstrate the power of focused energy). After the lessons, you take a short quiz, and fill out a very brief questionnaire about what you learned. You're also encouraged to read the lesson (out loud if possible) and then listen to the lesson finally as an mp3. There is a very big emphasis on repetition, virtually taking each lesson 3 times a day. Which, due to the short length, isn't as bad as it may sound.
It also uses several programs to keep you on task: a desktop manager, it has a checklist, "dreamcatcher", "lockbox", and a "daily praxis" box; I'm not sure what the latter three are specifically used for yet, as I'm not that far in the daily lessons (designed to be done in about 15 minutes a day.) Also used is a task bar program, which I can neither use or uninstall for some reason, and a web page blocker to keep you on task while browsing, which is only available for internet explorer, so I don't use it either.
After being on the program for only a week, I'm already loving the results. I'm finally focusing on the things I want to accomplish, I'm setting goals, I'm planning for the future in ways that make me want to achieve my goals.
Having a checklist is awesome. It's always on my desktop and if I haven't completed something those empty check boxes just glare at me until I've done them. Checking stuff off is super rewarding in and of itself, it's like crack.
I can't wait to start the daily praxes, even though I'm not sure exactly what they are yet. According to some of the testimonials, it's the best part of the program.
The only complaint I've had so far is the peddling of follow up products in various emails. There are two other Simple.ology courses (this one is 101) that are not free, but are more specific. 102 is for businesses and making them profitable and 103 is for increasing and maintaining your energy. I may try them at some point in the future, but I'm loving the free one for now.
Again, I'm only a week in, so I haven't gotten to the real meat and potatoes of the course, but if it's anything like the first week I know it'll be great.
I know that if I continue to build productive habits and maintain the ones I build, I'll be well on my way to success.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Planning Makes Perfect: Depression (Part 2 of 5)
I first realized something was seriously wrong when I found myself suffocating myself with my pillow until it hurt my lungs, wanting that badly to stay in bed.
It wasn't the first time I'd done it. I can't say how many times I'd done it, just that it wasn't the first.
Another clue was when I was driving home for the weekend and I had to physically fight the urge to let go of the wheel almost any time I would see a curve coming up on the road.
The prospect of flying off the road to see what would happen, not to kill myself (aside from a time when I was a teenager, I've been largely averse to dying), was one of the few things that got my adrenal glands pumping those days.
This all took place my first and only semester at Auburn University. My depression had peaked for several reasons: I missed my friends in Austin, I was alone in Auburn, I was drinking heavily, I was smoking marijuana frequently, I hated the classes I was in, I wasn't good at making friends, and the list goes on.
Needless to say I wasn't in the best environment and I left before Thanksgiving.
Since then, it's come and gone. Mostly come. There have been a few periods in the last couple years that I haven't been dealing with it on some level. Oddly, the one that I can really quantify is just after my grandmother's death. A time when I should have plummeted. That's something I'll dissect later.
Since March of this year, my depression has steadily been making a come back. Beginning with a dysfunctional relationship and peaking two weeks ago, when I just wanted to leave Austin and not have to be responsible for what I was anymore.
In only a week it's gone largely into remission. The only times I feel particularly bad are times when I feel particularly lonely, but I can forget about those times nearly as easily as they come.
The reason, I believe, is because I'm becoming more and more happy with where I'm at and what I'm doing. I'm taking action on the problems I see in my life and being productive with my goals for the first time in a long time, possible for the first time ever to this extent.
Despite the progress I've already made, it isn't lasting. I haven't undergone the complete mental reconfiguration to make it permanent.
Unfortunately this isn't a step I can quantify. I don't think I'll really be able to post my progress on it, but all the same:
Make a conscious effort every day to be happy with where I'm at and all that is right in my life.
A more physical step I plan on taking is to begin taking medication. Technically, dietary supplements, but I'm always one for calling a spade a spade.
I'm going to drive to either Tallahassee or Birmingham (I'm thinking Birmingham so I can hit up the Whole Foods while I'm there) to see a physician to be tested and begin taking products from a company called NeuroScience, on the recommendation of friend who speaks very highly of the company and process.
I tried taking medication right after leaving Auburn and hated it. It was Lexapro, and instead of feeling better, I felt nothing. I was completely emotionally dead. I wasn't happy or sad or any range in between.
The problem with many antidepressants, is that the pill is basically a cocktail of ingredients. They contain varying amounts of whatever ingredient, but it isn't specialized. Rarely is the first dosage the right one and it's months and visits and pills later that the desired result is felt. Even once a dosage that works is found, that doesn't mean it's without things that aren't needed.
It's pretty commonly accepted that the chemical cause of depression is due to an imbalance of neurotransmitters. Specifically, the monoamine neurotransmitters norepeniphrine, dopamine, and seratonin.
The problem occurs when the chemicals don't travel from the presynaptic neuron to the postsynaptic neuron correctly. Either staying in the synaptic gap for too long, causing to postsynaptic neuron to fire off continuously (as is the case of cocaine, on the dopamine receptors), not producing enough of the chemical to correctly stimulate the postsynaptic neuron, or the chemical not staying in the synaptic gap long enough.
The majority of antidepressants are selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs. Their goal is to keep the seratonin in the synaptic gap longer, thereby stimulating the the postsynaptic neurons longer.
This is all well and good, except they largely don't account for the effects and needs of the other neurotransmitters. Whether the drug's intent or not, they still affect the dopamine and norepeniphrine receptors.
The difference with the NeuroScience products, is that you're tested before you take anything for what levels are lacking or excessive. So, the different medications that are prescribed to you, are catered to your specific need. And it's not one "cure all" drug either, there are different medications for different needs, so you're getting exactly what it is you need.
So, that is my current game plan to treat my depression. I'm hoping the neurotransmitters won't have the same effect as my past attempt at medicating myself, which I believe it won't. And I can't forget the power of creating a positive environment to be in. As sappy as it sounds, reminding myself daily how amazing my life is and how fortunate I am.
It wasn't the first time I'd done it. I can't say how many times I'd done it, just that it wasn't the first.
Another clue was when I was driving home for the weekend and I had to physically fight the urge to let go of the wheel almost any time I would see a curve coming up on the road.
The prospect of flying off the road to see what would happen, not to kill myself (aside from a time when I was a teenager, I've been largely averse to dying), was one of the few things that got my adrenal glands pumping those days.
This all took place my first and only semester at Auburn University. My depression had peaked for several reasons: I missed my friends in Austin, I was alone in Auburn, I was drinking heavily, I was smoking marijuana frequently, I hated the classes I was in, I wasn't good at making friends, and the list goes on.
Needless to say I wasn't in the best environment and I left before Thanksgiving.
Since then, it's come and gone. Mostly come. There have been a few periods in the last couple years that I haven't been dealing with it on some level. Oddly, the one that I can really quantify is just after my grandmother's death. A time when I should have plummeted. That's something I'll dissect later.
Since March of this year, my depression has steadily been making a come back. Beginning with a dysfunctional relationship and peaking two weeks ago, when I just wanted to leave Austin and not have to be responsible for what I was anymore.
In only a week it's gone largely into remission. The only times I feel particularly bad are times when I feel particularly lonely, but I can forget about those times nearly as easily as they come.
The reason, I believe, is because I'm becoming more and more happy with where I'm at and what I'm doing. I'm taking action on the problems I see in my life and being productive with my goals for the first time in a long time, possible for the first time ever to this extent.
Despite the progress I've already made, it isn't lasting. I haven't undergone the complete mental reconfiguration to make it permanent.
Unfortunately this isn't a step I can quantify. I don't think I'll really be able to post my progress on it, but all the same:
Make a conscious effort every day to be happy with where I'm at and all that is right in my life.
A more physical step I plan on taking is to begin taking medication. Technically, dietary supplements, but I'm always one for calling a spade a spade.
I'm going to drive to either Tallahassee or Birmingham (I'm thinking Birmingham so I can hit up the Whole Foods while I'm there) to see a physician to be tested and begin taking products from a company called NeuroScience, on the recommendation of friend who speaks very highly of the company and process.
I tried taking medication right after leaving Auburn and hated it. It was Lexapro, and instead of feeling better, I felt nothing. I was completely emotionally dead. I wasn't happy or sad or any range in between.
The problem with many antidepressants, is that the pill is basically a cocktail of ingredients. They contain varying amounts of whatever ingredient, but it isn't specialized. Rarely is the first dosage the right one and it's months and visits and pills later that the desired result is felt. Even once a dosage that works is found, that doesn't mean it's without things that aren't needed.
It's pretty commonly accepted that the chemical cause of depression is due to an imbalance of neurotransmitters. Specifically, the monoamine neurotransmitters norepeniphrine, dopamine, and seratonin.
The problem occurs when the chemicals don't travel from the presynaptic neuron to the postsynaptic neuron correctly. Either staying in the synaptic gap for too long, causing to postsynaptic neuron to fire off continuously (as is the case of cocaine, on the dopamine receptors), not producing enough of the chemical to correctly stimulate the postsynaptic neuron, or the chemical not staying in the synaptic gap long enough.
The majority of antidepressants are selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs. Their goal is to keep the seratonin in the synaptic gap longer, thereby stimulating the the postsynaptic neurons longer.
This is all well and good, except they largely don't account for the effects and needs of the other neurotransmitters. Whether the drug's intent or not, they still affect the dopamine and norepeniphrine receptors.
The difference with the NeuroScience products, is that you're tested before you take anything for what levels are lacking or excessive. So, the different medications that are prescribed to you, are catered to your specific need. And it's not one "cure all" drug either, there are different medications for different needs, so you're getting exactly what it is you need.
So, that is my current game plan to treat my depression. I'm hoping the neurotransmitters won't have the same effect as my past attempt at medicating myself, which I believe it won't. And I can't forget the power of creating a positive environment to be in. As sappy as it sounds, reminding myself daily how amazing my life is and how fortunate I am.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Planning makes perfect (Part 1of 5)
Now that I've established the things I want to fix, I need to decide the best way to accomplish these goals.
I could go about things haphazardly, trying things here and there as they came up, never sticking to a set plan, but I've tried that before and it hasn't gotten me very far at all.
So, I've got to come up with plans. Methods that are tried and true or methods that I establish. But the key is that these methods will be premeditated and I will stick to them.
As I've said, I have four main goals that I want to accomplish in this reformat.
I know. I'm most people. I've had people tell me since the first (of three) time I dropped out of school that I'm not the only person with these problems and a lot of people are uncertain about their future.
Oddly, telling me I wasn't special in a time of intense upheaval didn't do much to settle my nerves. I continued to flounder, go back to school because it was what I was supposed to do, drop out, rinse, repeat.
I've only recently realized that if I want to get something done, I have to put all my effort into it. Complete submersion and focus are the only things that will allow me to accomplish the goals I have. It may not be "what I'm supposed to do." It may be frowned upon. I may not have full support from people around me.
But if the end result is me getting what I desire, then it will have been worth it. Not to rub it in the doubter's faces (that will be wonderful, of course), but because I accomplished a major task to improve myself.
So I've got to come up with ways that I think will assuredly work. If there's the slightest bit of doubt about a technique, I have to revise it. It may not be until after I have started that I realize it's faulty, but that's part of learning. Especially learning to do things on your own.
The key is to keep my goals clear in my sights and to always be moving forward. When I make a revision, I have to ask myself:
"Is this taking me closer or further away from my goal?"
If it's taking me closer to my goal, then it's a good revision and I can work it into the big picture. If I decide it would take me further from my goal, then I have to keep things how they were or come up with a revision that does work.
No matter what obstacles I encounter, if I keep my goals clear in my sights and I keep moving forward, there's no way I can fail.
I'm going to have a new post every day for the rest of the week, detailing plans for each of my goals. Each plan will be researched, well thought out, and thorough. After I establish these plans, I will make it my dying effort to stick to them.
-Dova
I could go about things haphazardly, trying things here and there as they came up, never sticking to a set plan, but I've tried that before and it hasn't gotten me very far at all.
So, I've got to come up with plans. Methods that are tried and true or methods that I establish. But the key is that these methods will be premeditated and I will stick to them.
As I've said, I have four main goals that I want to accomplish in this reformat.
- To get ahold of my depression.
- To increase my productivity.
- Get physically healthier.
- Become financially stable.
I know. I'm most people. I've had people tell me since the first (of three) time I dropped out of school that I'm not the only person with these problems and a lot of people are uncertain about their future.
Oddly, telling me I wasn't special in a time of intense upheaval didn't do much to settle my nerves. I continued to flounder, go back to school because it was what I was supposed to do, drop out, rinse, repeat.
I've only recently realized that if I want to get something done, I have to put all my effort into it. Complete submersion and focus are the only things that will allow me to accomplish the goals I have. It may not be "what I'm supposed to do." It may be frowned upon. I may not have full support from people around me.
But if the end result is me getting what I desire, then it will have been worth it. Not to rub it in the doubter's faces (that will be wonderful, of course), but because I accomplished a major task to improve myself.
So I've got to come up with ways that I think will assuredly work. If there's the slightest bit of doubt about a technique, I have to revise it. It may not be until after I have started that I realize it's faulty, but that's part of learning. Especially learning to do things on your own.
The key is to keep my goals clear in my sights and to always be moving forward. When I make a revision, I have to ask myself:
"Is this taking me closer or further away from my goal?"
If it's taking me closer to my goal, then it's a good revision and I can work it into the big picture. If I decide it would take me further from my goal, then I have to keep things how they were or come up with a revision that does work.
No matter what obstacles I encounter, if I keep my goals clear in my sights and I keep moving forward, there's no way I can fail.
I'm going to have a new post every day for the rest of the week, detailing plans for each of my goals. Each plan will be researched, well thought out, and thorough. After I establish these plans, I will make it my dying effort to stick to them.
-Dova
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Breaking it down
I started to get ahead of myself with another post. Delving into the self help like I'd already completed my reformat, forgetting that I'm just starting. I'll save it for later.
So what am I going to do?
The first step is to decide what it is I need to fix.
Firstly, I want to get a hold of my depression.
This has been a noticeable problem since high school, maybe even as early as middle school; I just didn't see it for what it was then. Truly, I didn't have any concept of what it meant to be depressed until my junior year of high school.
Despite being painfully aware of my dilemma, I have done little to rectify it. At least in absolute terms. I've done things to treat the symptoms: surrounding myself with people who force me to be social, trying new things to keep me stimulated, loving the people around me; but nothing to treat the disease.
For a time, this worked. The fall and winter of '07 was definitely the happiest time of my life. But being the fastest turtle I can be isn't saying much when I should be running like a cheetah.
I can't say exactly what I was doing that made me happier. The main thing I can think of that was different is that I wasn't particularly worried about anything. I put the troubles I was having deciding where my life was going on the shelf and focused solely on being happy with where I was at.
I think this is in itself an important aspect of mental health that I need to get back to:
To be happy with where I'm at.
That's not to say to be stagnant, like I was last fall. But to be happy with the progress I've made, even if I'm not quite where I want to be. And understand that, while I'm not quite where I want to be, I'm more than capable of getting there. Regardless of what it is I want to do.
Next:
I want to increase my productivity.
I'm terrible at staying productive. I operate in spurts in which I'll work like a fiend and then lose interest and my production slowly falls to nothing. I think this may be because I don't work on projects that truly capture my attention. Things that I like as a concept, but once I begin realize I don't really care for them in practice.
Another reason, is that I'm terrible at instituting any sort of habit. I never studied regularly, never stuck to cleaning schedules, bills are a nightmare, sleep comes and goes when it wants. As such, I'm never one to say "I'm going to do x on this day, y on this day, and z on this day," and stick to that schedule. My productivity suffers greatly when I can't maintain a schedule.
This past winter and spring, I had a regimen at the gym that I stuck to like clockwork. Mondays and Fridays I would climb with my weight vest and lift with more weight, focusing on strength, while on Wednesdays I would climb vest free and lift a lesser amount, focusing on stamina and technique. As a result, I saw greater strength gains than I had at any point in my life.
Get to the point where my own productivity motivates me.
Not only was I sticking to a strict workout schedule, but I was thoroughly enjoying climbing. I was loving having people compliment me on my body for the first time in my life, showing people up on the wall, and looking great. The motivation perpetuated itself.
This brings me to my next goal:
Get physically healthier.
I'm not in the worst shape in the world. But far from where I'd like to be. If I had a dollar for every time I became uncomfortable when the topic of weight came up around women I wouldn't have to worry about my next goal. I'm really self conscious about my weight, as most people are, only opposite. I feel guilty for having something most people really want (but don't really try to acquire) when I don't want it. When you've been told you're partly responsible for an eating disorder, you really can't help but not like it. I'm that skinny.
At the moment, I'm 5'10"-5'11", 135 pounds. I'm skinny. I'm weak. I'm not happy with it. I would like to gain 10 pounds of muscle. Which, while it will be difficult, it is certainly doable. I almost said I would be happy with gaining 5 pounds, but that would be a lie. I still wouldn't be satisfied.
Gaining 10 pounds wouldn't put me at very big weight, still in the Junior Welterweight class according to International Boxing Federation standards. But I think it'll put me at a really healthy weight. I would look very lean and trim, but not emaciated, which is my ideal body type. If I find that I still look really skinny at this weight, I'll reassess it then. But I can't really see that being the case.
It won't just be working out that I need to do, but also eating healthier. I've never eaten the best. Afraid of trying new foods, I shied away from many vegetables and most fruits until recently. But I'm finally opening up my palette, trying new dishes, even when my gut tells me, "You're going to hate this." I'm finally able to make logical decisions about what I eat, because I'm not afraid of foods anymore.
I'm not sure what my diet is going to be. I've been practically starving the last couple months, and being home only two days it feels amazing to not have to suppress an appetite and eat to my heart's content. For the time being, I'm going to focus on quantity over quality. Not ignoring the things I put into my body, but not being overly strict about it.
Soon, I'm going to implement some hybrid form of the MaxDiet, my friend Tynan's creation. And though it's a bastardization of one of the cornerstones, I'm 90% sure it's going to include meat. I'll do my own research and come up with something that I think will be either better or on par. If I find that I won't be able to manage it without significantly reducing the quality of my diet, I may go all MaxDiet.
Yes, I, Matthew Cordova, am considering becoming a vegetarian. You heard it here first and for those of you who know me know just crazy that sounds. Even to me.
I'm that serious about what I'm doing here.
Get in my ideal physical shape, through diet AND exercise, not one or the other.
My final major goal:
Become financially stable.
That's vague. I know. But what exactly I want is vague equally vague at this point. This is the biggest question mark for me right now. This also encompasses the broadest spectrum of things (though maybe not more than my mental health). What do I want to do to make money now, six months from now, a year from now, 30 years from now? I just can't say definitively.
What I want from money, long term, big goal, end all be all of making money, I think is very different than what most people want. At least it's very different than what we're lead to believe most people want, as far as society is concerned (I'll have more on this at some point).
I don't want to be rich. That is not my goal. If it takes that to reach my goal, so be it. What I want is to be comfortable. Not making vast sums of money that lead me to buy things that I don't need, but cause me to need even more money to pay for it all. I want to make a little more money than I need to pay for the things I want to do. Enough to cover the range of my expenses but still enough to save a decent amount for a rainy day.
I think too often people don't account for that rainy day that is bound to happen. I know I don't. I see that I've got extra money in my bank account and I spend it on new shoes or a video game. I don't think about the car that may need a new transmission sometime soon. I don't think about how I'm not always the safest person and that I very well could break my leg on any given day.
It's things like that that I also want to think about all the time. Budget out my expenses and what I need to keep under my bed. Really take the time to plan out my money the way I never have, but how everyone needs to.
Come up with a financial plan. Not just for making money, but spending it as well.
So, those are the major things I want to work on during this reformat. In the coming days I'll talk about how I expect to accomplish each of these goals. I've already began several systems for some of my goals, with more in mind. Some will be experimental and of my own design (this blog is one of them), some will be things I've heard about through the grapevine and I'll be testing them out on my own. Those I'm testing I'll review to help those who read in whatever they may want to accomplish. I won't be afraid to scrap something if it's not working or if I found something better. It's an experiment to say the least, but it's going to be a fruitful one.
-Dova
So what am I going to do?
The first step is to decide what it is I need to fix.
Firstly, I want to get a hold of my depression.
This has been a noticeable problem since high school, maybe even as early as middle school; I just didn't see it for what it was then. Truly, I didn't have any concept of what it meant to be depressed until my junior year of high school.
Despite being painfully aware of my dilemma, I have done little to rectify it. At least in absolute terms. I've done things to treat the symptoms: surrounding myself with people who force me to be social, trying new things to keep me stimulated, loving the people around me; but nothing to treat the disease.
For a time, this worked. The fall and winter of '07 was definitely the happiest time of my life. But being the fastest turtle I can be isn't saying much when I should be running like a cheetah.
I can't say exactly what I was doing that made me happier. The main thing I can think of that was different is that I wasn't particularly worried about anything. I put the troubles I was having deciding where my life was going on the shelf and focused solely on being happy with where I was at.
I think this is in itself an important aspect of mental health that I need to get back to:
To be happy with where I'm at.
That's not to say to be stagnant, like I was last fall. But to be happy with the progress I've made, even if I'm not quite where I want to be. And understand that, while I'm not quite where I want to be, I'm more than capable of getting there. Regardless of what it is I want to do.
Next:
I want to increase my productivity.
I'm terrible at staying productive. I operate in spurts in which I'll work like a fiend and then lose interest and my production slowly falls to nothing. I think this may be because I don't work on projects that truly capture my attention. Things that I like as a concept, but once I begin realize I don't really care for them in practice.
Another reason, is that I'm terrible at instituting any sort of habit. I never studied regularly, never stuck to cleaning schedules, bills are a nightmare, sleep comes and goes when it wants. As such, I'm never one to say "I'm going to do x on this day, y on this day, and z on this day," and stick to that schedule. My productivity suffers greatly when I can't maintain a schedule.
This past winter and spring, I had a regimen at the gym that I stuck to like clockwork. Mondays and Fridays I would climb with my weight vest and lift with more weight, focusing on strength, while on Wednesdays I would climb vest free and lift a lesser amount, focusing on stamina and technique. As a result, I saw greater strength gains than I had at any point in my life.
Get to the point where my own productivity motivates me.
Not only was I sticking to a strict workout schedule, but I was thoroughly enjoying climbing. I was loving having people compliment me on my body for the first time in my life, showing people up on the wall, and looking great. The motivation perpetuated itself.
This brings me to my next goal:
Get physically healthier.
I'm not in the worst shape in the world. But far from where I'd like to be. If I had a dollar for every time I became uncomfortable when the topic of weight came up around women I wouldn't have to worry about my next goal. I'm really self conscious about my weight, as most people are, only opposite. I feel guilty for having something most people really want (but don't really try to acquire) when I don't want it. When you've been told you're partly responsible for an eating disorder, you really can't help but not like it. I'm that skinny.
At the moment, I'm 5'10"-5'11", 135 pounds. I'm skinny. I'm weak. I'm not happy with it. I would like to gain 10 pounds of muscle. Which, while it will be difficult, it is certainly doable. I almost said I would be happy with gaining 5 pounds, but that would be a lie. I still wouldn't be satisfied.
Gaining 10 pounds wouldn't put me at very big weight, still in the Junior Welterweight class according to International Boxing Federation standards. But I think it'll put me at a really healthy weight. I would look very lean and trim, but not emaciated, which is my ideal body type. If I find that I still look really skinny at this weight, I'll reassess it then. But I can't really see that being the case.
It won't just be working out that I need to do, but also eating healthier. I've never eaten the best. Afraid of trying new foods, I shied away from many vegetables and most fruits until recently. But I'm finally opening up my palette, trying new dishes, even when my gut tells me, "You're going to hate this." I'm finally able to make logical decisions about what I eat, because I'm not afraid of foods anymore.
I'm not sure what my diet is going to be. I've been practically starving the last couple months, and being home only two days it feels amazing to not have to suppress an appetite and eat to my heart's content. For the time being, I'm going to focus on quantity over quality. Not ignoring the things I put into my body, but not being overly strict about it.
Soon, I'm going to implement some hybrid form of the MaxDiet, my friend Tynan's creation. And though it's a bastardization of one of the cornerstones, I'm 90% sure it's going to include meat. I'll do my own research and come up with something that I think will be either better or on par. If I find that I won't be able to manage it without significantly reducing the quality of my diet, I may go all MaxDiet.
Yes, I, Matthew Cordova, am considering becoming a vegetarian. You heard it here first and for those of you who know me know just crazy that sounds. Even to me.
I'm that serious about what I'm doing here.
Get in my ideal physical shape, through diet AND exercise, not one or the other.
My final major goal:
Become financially stable.
That's vague. I know. But what exactly I want is vague equally vague at this point. This is the biggest question mark for me right now. This also encompasses the broadest spectrum of things (though maybe not more than my mental health). What do I want to do to make money now, six months from now, a year from now, 30 years from now? I just can't say definitively.
What I want from money, long term, big goal, end all be all of making money, I think is very different than what most people want. At least it's very different than what we're lead to believe most people want, as far as society is concerned (I'll have more on this at some point).
I don't want to be rich. That is not my goal. If it takes that to reach my goal, so be it. What I want is to be comfortable. Not making vast sums of money that lead me to buy things that I don't need, but cause me to need even more money to pay for it all. I want to make a little more money than I need to pay for the things I want to do. Enough to cover the range of my expenses but still enough to save a decent amount for a rainy day.
I think too often people don't account for that rainy day that is bound to happen. I know I don't. I see that I've got extra money in my bank account and I spend it on new shoes or a video game. I don't think about the car that may need a new transmission sometime soon. I don't think about how I'm not always the safest person and that I very well could break my leg on any given day.
It's things like that that I also want to think about all the time. Budget out my expenses and what I need to keep under my bed. Really take the time to plan out my money the way I never have, but how everyone needs to.
Come up with a financial plan. Not just for making money, but spending it as well.
So, those are the major things I want to work on during this reformat. In the coming days I'll talk about how I expect to accomplish each of these goals. I've already began several systems for some of my goals, with more in mind. Some will be experimental and of my own design (this blog is one of them), some will be things I've heard about through the grapevine and I'll be testing them out on my own. Those I'm testing I'll review to help those who read in whatever they may want to accomplish. I won't be afraid to scrap something if it's not working or if I found something better. It's an experiment to say the least, but it's going to be a fruitful one.
-Dova
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Reformat My Life
Welcome to Reformat my Life!
This blog is several things. A checklist, a how to, a place for musings, a means to tell my stories, and a way to keep me accountable for my reformat.
But what is this "Reformat" I'm talking about?
The concept arose when I was talking with my friend about a move home that I was making. I explained that I needed some time to "hit the reset button."
"Reformat," he offered.
"Yeah! That's a lot better 'cause I don't know if I want to use the same operating system... At least not the same version."
And so, it was decided I would reformat and that we were huge nerds.
At 21, I've been away from home for several years now. I've bounced around locations and universities for much of the time. Most of it was spent in Austin, several hundred miles away from my family, in Alabama, but right where my heart is. There are few things I don't love about Austin: the friendly people, the way the city is tucked right into hill country, the fashions, trends, foods... pretty much everything.
It's not that I have a problem with living there that I left. It's like when people break up with someone by saying, "It's not you, it's me." The problem, is that I'm unable to live the way I want at the moment. I'm not free to explore the city I love so much without putting a huge strain on myself in other areas of my life and I'm not able to fix those areas of my life without ignoring the things I love.
So, instead, I decided to take a break from many of the things that, while they bring me immense joy and pleasure, keep me from progressing as a more complete person. I have been unable to create the important habits in my day to day life that will let me be infinitely more successful in whatever I attempt.
Last night, I made it home. Home, being Dothan, Alabama. I say home, not in the "Home is where the heart lies," sense, because my heart lies in Austin's intense heat and wonderful creeks; nor do I say it in the "this is where I grew up" sense, because that in part falls on Austin and in part various other towns in Alabama; I say home in the "I'm with my family" sense.
This sense of home is something I've missed out on since just after turning 17. Waking every morning and being around people who love and care about me. I'm here with my mother, step-father, and little brother. They are substituting Austin and all the people there whom I love for now. And, despite a mixture of reactions from others, I think this substitution will be all I need to sustain me for the time being.
The time being, is anywhere from 4 to 6 months. I believe this will give me ample time to build new habits and get in a mental state that will sustain me as I go back out on my own and pursue whatever it is I decide to pursue.
So there it is and here I am. I'll have another post by week's end with more details on what I want to accomplish. Need to do a little thinking and put pen to paper so to speak for my goals and then do a little thinking on what steps I need to take to accomplish them. As well as my personal goals, I'll brainstorm the formatting for the blog; how I want to categorize posts, whether I want it to be more self-help oreinted, for others who may be experiencing some of the same things, whether I want to use it specifically to keep myself accountable for my actions (this ones doubtful), etcetera, etcetera.
Check back in a few days, subscribe, do what you gotta do. I'd love support and suggestions in my endeavors and I'll try to reward you readers with my own progress, stories, and tips.
So there it is and here I am. (I like that.)
-Dova
This blog is several things. A checklist, a how to, a place for musings, a means to tell my stories, and a way to keep me accountable for my reformat.
But what is this "Reformat" I'm talking about?
The concept arose when I was talking with my friend about a move home that I was making. I explained that I needed some time to "hit the reset button."
"Reformat," he offered.
"Yeah! That's a lot better 'cause I don't know if I want to use the same operating system... At least not the same version."
And so, it was decided I would reformat and that we were huge nerds.
At 21, I've been away from home for several years now. I've bounced around locations and universities for much of the time. Most of it was spent in Austin, several hundred miles away from my family, in Alabama, but right where my heart is. There are few things I don't love about Austin: the friendly people, the way the city is tucked right into hill country, the fashions, trends, foods... pretty much everything.
It's not that I have a problem with living there that I left. It's like when people break up with someone by saying, "It's not you, it's me." The problem, is that I'm unable to live the way I want at the moment. I'm not free to explore the city I love so much without putting a huge strain on myself in other areas of my life and I'm not able to fix those areas of my life without ignoring the things I love.
So, instead, I decided to take a break from many of the things that, while they bring me immense joy and pleasure, keep me from progressing as a more complete person. I have been unable to create the important habits in my day to day life that will let me be infinitely more successful in whatever I attempt.
Last night, I made it home. Home, being Dothan, Alabama. I say home, not in the "Home is where the heart lies," sense, because my heart lies in Austin's intense heat and wonderful creeks; nor do I say it in the "this is where I grew up" sense, because that in part falls on Austin and in part various other towns in Alabama; I say home in the "I'm with my family" sense.
This sense of home is something I've missed out on since just after turning 17. Waking every morning and being around people who love and care about me. I'm here with my mother, step-father, and little brother. They are substituting Austin and all the people there whom I love for now. And, despite a mixture of reactions from others, I think this substitution will be all I need to sustain me for the time being.
The time being, is anywhere from 4 to 6 months. I believe this will give me ample time to build new habits and get in a mental state that will sustain me as I go back out on my own and pursue whatever it is I decide to pursue.
So there it is and here I am. I'll have another post by week's end with more details on what I want to accomplish. Need to do a little thinking and put pen to paper so to speak for my goals and then do a little thinking on what steps I need to take to accomplish them. As well as my personal goals, I'll brainstorm the formatting for the blog; how I want to categorize posts, whether I want it to be more self-help oreinted, for others who may be experiencing some of the same things, whether I want to use it specifically to keep myself accountable for my actions (this ones doubtful), etcetera, etcetera.
Check back in a few days, subscribe, do what you gotta do. I'd love support and suggestions in my endeavors and I'll try to reward you readers with my own progress, stories, and tips.
So there it is and here I am. (I like that.)
-Dova
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