Breaking it down

I started to get ahead of myself with another post. Delving into the self help like I'd already completed my reformat, forgetting that I'm just starting. I'll save it for later.

So what am I going to do?

The first step is to decide what it is I need to fix.

Firstly, I want to get a hold of my depression.

This has been a noticeable problem since high school, maybe even as early as middle school; I just didn't see it for what it was then. Truly, I didn't have any concept of what it meant to be depressed until my junior year of high school.

Despite being painfully aware of my dilemma, I have done little to rectify it. At least in absolute terms. I've done things to treat the symptoms: surrounding myself with people who force me to be social, trying new things to keep me stimulated, loving the people around me; but nothing to treat the disease.

For a time, this worked. The fall and winter of '07 was definitely the happiest time of my life. But being the fastest turtle I can be isn't saying much when I should be running like a cheetah.

I can't say exactly what I was doing that made me happier. The main thing I can think of that was different is that I wasn't particularly worried about anything. I put the troubles I was having deciding where my life was going on the shelf and focused solely on being happy with where I was at.

I think this is in itself an important aspect of mental health that I need to get back to:

To be happy with where I'm at.

That's not to say to be stagnant, like I was last fall. But to be happy with the progress I've made, even if I'm not quite where I want to be. And understand that, while I'm not quite where I want to be, I'm more than capable of getting there. Regardless of what it is I want to do.

Next:

I want to increase my productivity.

I'm terrible at staying productive. I operate in spurts in which I'll work like a fiend and then lose interest and my production slowly falls to nothing. I think this may be because I don't work on projects that truly capture my attention. Things that I like as a concept, but once I begin realize I don't really care for them in practice.

Another reason, is that I'm terrible at instituting any sort of habit. I never studied regularly, never stuck to cleaning schedules, bills are a nightmare, sleep comes and goes when it wants. As such, I'm never one to say "I'm going to do x on this day, y on this day, and z on this day," and stick to that schedule. My productivity suffers greatly when I can't maintain a schedule.

This past winter and spring, I had a regimen at the gym that I stuck to like clockwork. Mondays and Fridays I would climb with my weight vest and lift with more weight, focusing on strength, while on Wednesdays I would climb vest free and lift a lesser amount, focusing on stamina and technique. As a result, I saw greater strength gains than I had at any point in my life.

Get to the point where my own productivity motivates me.

Not only was I sticking to a strict workout schedule, but I was thoroughly enjoying climbing. I was loving having people compliment me on my body for the first time in my life, showing people up on the wall, and looking great. The motivation perpetuated itself.


This brings me to my next goal:

Get physically healthier.

I'm not in the worst shape in the world. But far from where I'd like to be. If I had a dollar for every time I became uncomfortable when the topic of weight came up around women I wouldn't have to worry about my next goal. I'm really self conscious about my weight, as most people are, only opposite. I feel guilty for having something most people really want (but don't really try to acquire) when I don't want it. When you've been told you're partly responsible for an eating disorder, you really can't help but not like it. I'm that skinny.

At the moment, I'm 5'10"-5'11", 135 pounds. I'm skinny. I'm weak. I'm not happy with it. I would like to gain 10 pounds of muscle. Which, while it will be difficult, it is certainly doable. I almost said I would be happy with gaining 5 pounds, but that would be a lie. I still wouldn't be satisfied.

Gaining 10 pounds wouldn't put me at very big weight, still in the Junior Welterweight class according to International Boxing Federation standards. But I think it'll put me at a really healthy weight. I would look very lean and trim, but not emaciated, which is my ideal body type. If I find that I still look really skinny at this weight, I'll reassess it then. But I can't really see that being the case.

It won't just be working out that I need to do, but also eating healthier. I've never eaten the best. Afraid of trying new foods, I shied away from many vegetables and most fruits until recently. But I'm finally opening up my palette, trying new dishes, even when my gut tells me, "You're going to hate this." I'm finally able to make logical decisions about what I eat, because I'm not afraid of foods anymore.

I'm not sure what my diet is going to be. I've been practically starving the last couple months, and being home only two days it feels amazing to not have to suppress an appetite and eat to my heart's content. For the time being, I'm going to focus on quantity over quality. Not ignoring the things I put into my body, but not being overly strict about it.

Soon, I'm going to implement some hybrid form of the MaxDiet, my friend Tynan's creation. And though it's a bastardization of one of the cornerstones, I'm 90% sure it's going to include meat. I'll do my own research and come up with something that I think will be either better or on par. If I find that I won't be able to manage it without significantly reducing the quality of my diet, I may go all MaxDiet.

Yes, I, Matthew Cordova, am considering becoming a vegetarian. You heard it here first and for those of you who know me know just crazy that sounds. Even to me.

I'm that serious about what I'm doing here.

Get in my ideal physical shape, through diet AND exercise, not one or the other.

My final major goal:

Become financially stable.

That's vague. I know. But what exactly I want is vague equally vague at this point. This is the biggest question mark for me right now. This also encompasses the broadest spectrum of things (though maybe not more than my mental health). What do I want to do to make money now, six months from now, a year from now, 30 years from now? I just can't say definitively.

What I want from money, long term, big goal, end all be all of making money, I think is very different than what most people want. At least it's very different than what we're lead to believe most people want, as far as society is concerned (I'll have more on this at some point).

I don't want to be rich. That is not my goal. If it takes that to reach my goal, so be it. What I want is to be comfortable. Not making vast sums of money that lead me to buy things that I don't need, but cause me to need even more money to pay for it all. I want to make a little more money than I need to pay for the things I want to do. Enough to cover the range of my expenses but still enough to save a decent amount for a rainy day.

I think too often people don't account for that rainy day that is bound to happen. I know I don't. I see that I've got extra money in my bank account and I spend it on new shoes or a video game. I don't think about the car that may need a new transmission sometime soon. I don't think about how I'm not always the safest person and that I very well could break my leg on any given day.

It's things like that that I also want to think about all the time. Budget out my expenses and what I need to keep under my bed. Really take the time to plan out my money the way I never have, but how everyone needs to.

Come up with a financial plan. Not just for making money, but spending it as well.

So, those are the major things I want to work on during this reformat. In the coming days I'll talk about how I expect to accomplish each of these goals. I've already began several systems for some of my goals, with more in mind. Some will be experimental and of my own design (this blog is one of them), some will be things I've heard about through the grapevine and I'll be testing them out on my own. Those I'm testing I'll review to help those who read in whatever they may want to accomplish. I won't be afraid to scrap something if it's not working or if I found something better. It's an experiment to say the least, but it's going to be a fruitful one.

-Dova