Planning Makes Perfect: Depression (Part 2 of 5)

I first realized something was seriously wrong when I found myself suffocating myself with my pillow until it hurt my lungs, wanting that badly to stay in bed.

It wasn't the first time I'd done it. I can't say how many times I'd done it, just that it wasn't the first.

Another clue was when I was driving home for the weekend and I had to physically fight the urge to let go of the wheel almost any time I would see a curve coming up on the road.

The prospect of flying off the road to see what would happen, not to kill myself (aside from a time when I was a teenager, I've been largely averse to dying), was one of the few things that got my adrenal glands pumping those days.

This all took place my first and only semester at Auburn University. My depression had peaked for several reasons: I missed my friends in Austin, I was alone in Auburn, I was drinking heavily, I was smoking marijuana frequently, I hated the classes I was in, I wasn't good at making friends, and the list goes on.

Needless to say I wasn't in the best environment and I left before Thanksgiving.

Since then, it's come and gone. Mostly come. There have been a few periods in the last couple years that I haven't been dealing with it on some level. Oddly, the one that I can really quantify is just after my grandmother's death. A time when I should have plummeted. That's something I'll dissect later.

Since March of this year, my depression has steadily been making a come back. Beginning with a dysfunctional relationship and peaking two weeks ago, when I just wanted to leave Austin and not have to be responsible for what I was anymore.

In only a week it's gone largely into remission. The only times I feel particularly bad are times when I feel particularly lonely, but I can forget about those times nearly as easily as they come.

The reason, I believe, is because I'm becoming more and more happy with where I'm at and what I'm doing. I'm taking action on the problems I see in my life and being productive with my goals for the first time in a long time, possible for the first time ever to this extent.

Despite the progress I've already made, it isn't lasting. I haven't undergone the complete mental reconfiguration to make it permanent.

Unfortunately this isn't a step I can quantify. I don't think I'll really be able to post my progress on it, but all the same:

Make a conscious effort every day to be happy with where I'm at and all that is right in my life.

A more physical step I plan on taking is to begin taking medication. Technically, dietary supplements, but I'm always one for calling a spade a spade.

I'm going to drive to either Tallahassee or Birmingham (I'm thinking Birmingham so I can hit up the Whole Foods while I'm there) to see a physician to be tested and begin taking products from a company called NeuroScience, on the recommendation of friend who speaks very highly of the company and process.

I tried taking medication right after leaving Auburn and hated it. It was Lexapro, and instead of feeling better, I felt nothing. I was completely emotionally dead. I wasn't happy or sad or any range in between.

The problem with many antidepressants, is that the pill is basically a cocktail of ingredients. They contain varying amounts of whatever ingredient, but it isn't specialized. Rarely is the first dosage the right one and it's months and visits and pills later that the desired result is felt. Even once a dosage that works is found, that doesn't mean it's without things that aren't needed.

It's pretty commonly accepted that the chemical cause of depression is due to an imbalance of neurotransmitters. Specifically, the monoamine neurotransmitters norepeniphrine, dopamine, and seratonin.



The problem occurs when the chemicals don't travel from the presynaptic neuron to the postsynaptic neuron correctly. Either staying in the synaptic gap for too long, causing to postsynaptic neuron to fire off continuously (as is the case of cocaine, on the dopamine receptors), not producing enough of the chemical to correctly stimulate the postsynaptic neuron, or the chemical not staying in the synaptic gap long enough.

The majority of antidepressants are selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs. Their goal is to keep the seratonin in the synaptic gap longer, thereby stimulating the the postsynaptic neurons longer.

This is all well and good, except they largely don't account for the effects and needs of the other neurotransmitters. Whether the drug's intent or not, they still affect the dopamine and norepeniphrine receptors.

The difference with the NeuroScience products, is that you're tested before you take anything for what levels are lacking or excessive. So, the different medications that are prescribed to you, are catered to your specific need. And it's not one "cure all" drug either, there are different medications for different needs, so you're getting exactly what it is you need.

So, that is my current game plan to treat my depression. I'm hoping the neurotransmitters won't have the same effect as my past attempt at medicating myself, which I believe it won't. And I can't forget the power of creating a positive environment to be in. As sappy as it sounds, reminding myself daily how amazing my life is and how fortunate I am.