Taking a Hint?

I noticed something tonight.

I'm the lone moderator of the Accountability Forum in the Better Than Your Boyfriend Forums.

Now, I'm not trying to rub this in. I didn't ask for this responsibility/privilege. Tynan promoted me without my asking, I think in preparation for his departures.

And I'm not sure if he intended for me to view this promotion as I have. It may have been an offhand gesture to him. But, I think he's more aware and really, caring than that.

I, probably more so than most people who view this forum, have been completely unaccountable for my actions of late.

I moved home in mid-September to accomplish a few things.

I wanted to get my life back on track. Get a job to pay off my debts, find a steady source of income, find some, any, direction in my life.

But, to be honest. I've accomplished very little.

Not to say I've accomplished nothing. I've figured out some major things, like that I need to write to be happy, for instance.

But aside from that, I haven't really done much. I'm in more debt than when I left Austin, because I haven't paid off any that I had. If anything, I'm more depressed, I had what was probably the worst day of my life a few weeks ago. And I've really moved my life very little towards a direction I want.

I don't know if Tynan meant this as a "Dude, I've seen what you've been doing. You're more than that," promotion. I can't speak for him. But I think he did.

The touch of responsibility, however little it may be, in the great scheme of things (whatever that's supposed to mean), hit me. And, though I've had a bottle of wine tonight, I thought it better to post this tonight. Thanks to his most recent post about not waiting for the perfect moment and just plunging in, something that also struck me personally, as I've always been someone who waits for the right moment. Like his friend who wanted to move to LA, I've always waited and let life pass me by.

I don't know if this is yet another of my epiphanies that amounts to nothing. They never start that way. But, I'm hoping you guys will help to keep me honest. And I'll do the same.

I'm going to post at least twice every day in the Accountability Forum. Once in the morning for the things I want to get accomplished that day. Then later, as I complete those things.

Hopefully my action will spurn everyone else to act on their own daily goals. It's been over a month since anyone posted in the forum. And I hope to change that, beyond just me posting in it.

We're all capable of amazing things. I've seen that on these forums in the almost two years I've been a part of them. I only hope that I can spurn just a small bit of action in everyone else.

Let's keep each other honest in our goals.

Thank you Tynan. Add this to the long list of things you've done for me.

Lean Into It

First off, I want to apologize for the no post on Thursday. I was with with my family since Wednesday and forgot to write ahead.

Chalk it up to taking a Thanksgiving holiday.

I also want to apologize for the length of the previous post. I went off on a tangent without realizing it.

So, without further ado:

What does the dip mean for me?

Right now, I'm more or less (mostly less) working on several projects.

In order of appearance:

Poker

Website

Writing

Guitar

That's four things that I've started in the last two or three months. Four things that I would really like to succeed at.

Poker and Writing Republic are almost exclusively for money making purposes. With enough effort, they would both definitely be successful ventures.

My current big dip for poker is that I still don't have any money to back it. I'm still in the skill dip, but I'm much improved. I won some money in a tournament a couple weeks ago and quadrupled it fairly quickly before steadily losing it all again over the next few days.

I let my emotions get in the way of my play, having a rough couple days, and made stupid moves. Lesson learned.

The easiest solution to the money dip is through winning more and more free tournaments. But I don't think that's really a viable way to get out of the dip. It'll be very difficult to build up a bankroll in small chunks like that.

Possible, but probably not worth the effort.

The dip for Writing Republic is learning to code. I'll need to learn several languages to accomplish what I would like for the site. Being a perfectionist, there aren't really any shortcuts here, I wouldn't want to shortchange the site for production's sake.

I'd want it to be as close to perfect as I could get it.

The problem with this is that I've lost a lot of interest in creating it. I'm not entirely sure why, possibly because I've taken to writing more so it's fulfilling the desire I had to interact with words and writing and language.

I went straight to the source, so to speak.

Writing and guitar fall more into the personal satisfaction department than the money making department.

At this point anyway.

My biggest dip for writing is being able to write something I'm proud of when I'm not particularly inspired.

I can produce something, but rarely when I'm forcing myself to get something on paper for habit's sake do I read it later and say “Damn, I wrote that.”

But that's a problem that is it's own solution I think. The more I write, the more I'm going to understand how to create something I can appreciate. Whether I'm struck by lightning or not.

The dip for guitar lies in practice. I found a site that, thus far, I'm really happy with. I'm working from the ground up. Learning where the notes are on every string and such, so as to have a more complete understanding of the instrument.

If I'm going to learn it, I want to learn it right now. Not in two years when I realize I need to understand theory better so I can write more complex music.

But I'm still inconsistent with my practice, I don't have a schedule or program set up. I need to set one up. I was thinking about starting a three lesson system. It'll be a rolling system, so on day 1, I'll practice lesson A. On day 2, I'll practice lesson A and B. Day 3, A, B, and C. Day 4, B, C, and D. And so on and so forth.

Depending on the time it takes me to complete and fully comprehend each lesson, I could work more lessons into the mix or work on the same ones for more days in a row.

So where does this leave me?

I really liked my friend Tynan's method for narrowing out your choices based on the dip, so I'm going to use it. It's simple, first, can I be the best in the world? Second, do I want to?

Poker(Yes with tons of effort, No)

Writing Republic (Yes, No)

Writing (Yesish, Yes)

Guitar (Yes, Yes)

I say yesish because talent in writing is largely objective. But, like all things, it's dependent on what I define my world as.
It'd be really cool to be a poker pro. Basically only for the money though.

I was reading an editorial that briefly talked about the World Series of Poker and an email asked the writer, “My roommates and I were trying to guess how many women the guys at the final table had collectively slept with. You got over/under 30?”

Or something to that extent. There are 9 people at the final table, so that puts their guess at 3.333 women each. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but in guy speak they were saying: “These guys are fucking losers.”

I don't want to ever be in a situation where someone judges me negatively for being good at what I do. I pretty much decided when I read it that poker wasn't for me in any seriousness.

I'm still going to continue to play, I play almost daily with a couple friends and I really enjoy it. So I'm going to keep doing that, but less often and less seriously.

I could definitely have the best social writing site. The few I'd seen were pretty bad as far as general design goes. Looked cool, functioned poorly. And the features I would include would be unlike any others out there.

But I just don't have any desire to work on it right now. The coding dip is a big one for me. I really dislike learning coding languages and the idea of learning three or four doesn't appeal to me in the slightest.

If I still needed the site as an outlet for writing, I might still have more motivation, but as it is, it'd just be a way to make money and I know I can work on things that would be more fulfilling that could lead to making money.

Writing is something that's still really important to me. No matter what I choose to do in my life, I'll continue to write.

I'm mostly writing songs and poems right now. A few short stories, something I want to do more of because I really enjoy it.

There's no question that this is something I'm going to keep working on.

I'm keeping with guitar as well. I'm enjoying learning it and I want to make music. Music is one of the few things I care about and am passionate about.

It's also one of the only dreams I've ever had, to be a singer/songwriter/in a band.

And I realized recently that I've still got a dream that I can feasibly accomplish. Why in the name of everything I've ever held dear wouldn't I go for it?

So this is what the dip means for me.

I'm going to continue to write and learn guitar (probably piano too, working on acquiring my grandmother's) with making music being the compass that guides these ventures.

It's going to take a lot of work, I know. I won't immediately stand out. I won't immediately be able to write and produce music that I'd be satisfied with putting my name on.

But it will be work I'll enjoy. Every aspect I can think of is something I'll enjoy. Writing, singing, performing, designing the album cover, going on tour, on and on and on.

Sure I'm looking a little ahead right now, but that's what I'm defining my world as. I'm not going to stop until I'm the best at this. Maybe not the best singer or best guitarist in the world, as in Earth. But the best at what I decide to do. Genre-wise, style-wise, etc etc.

Music is objective. It's going to be fun to get people to see from my perspective and get them to enjoy my style, whatever I decide it will be.

The biggest dip that I can see coming up (outside of the one's I'm in) is deciding what kind of music I want to make.

I like too much music.

I can't wait to hit that dip.

The Dip

Not to copy my friend's post...

But that's exactly what I'm doing.

The Dip is a (short) book by Seth Godin. It's short because, like a good self-improvement book should, it gets right to the point. It doesn't flirt with what it's trying to say. It just comes out and says “Hey, if you do this or this or this, your life will be better.”

Because of it's straightforward approach, it didn't take me long at all to “get it” and understand that I had to take the advice it was offering.

There were a couple things I really got from it, and these things are hugely important:

Be the best in the world.

Seek out difficulties.

Do what you're best at.

Quit as often as possible.

First, be the best in the world. If you aren't going to try to be the best in the world at whatever it is you're doing, you're wasting your time. The minute you say, “I'm happy with where I'm at,” you resign yourself to your current position and are pretty much just waiting for death at that point.

He doesn't define the world as the planet Earth. He defines it as whatever it is you want your world to be, it's adaptive. The best in your world could be your city, county, state, country, genre, product, or anything you want it to be. But the key is to strive to be the best at whatever it is.

The ability to define your own world, allows you to always be able to improve. When you reach your goal of being the best magician in the country, you can then reassess your goals to be the best in the state.

Because you make your goals manageable, you're able to engineer your own dips, which leads me to...

Seeking out difficulties. The idea here, is that difficulties, or The Dip as Seth calls it, is what sets apart the good from the great from the best.

The dip is where most people get stuck. They reach a point where a task is no longer producing the same good results as it was when you started and so they quit, because it's not fun and it's not producing what they want.

The good and great and best push through these difficulties. They are able to see past the dip to their goal and say, “If I give up now, I'll never reach my goal of being the best magician in the state and all the glory and title that goes with it and all these illusions will have gone to waste.” So, they push through.

So you know what these dips do to people. Big deal, anyone could have told you that accomplishing anything you want is going to be difficult.

But, not many people use these dips as an advantage. And that's exactly what it is. Every dip you reach is a filter. It sorts you out from the rest of the people trying to do the exact same thing and every time you make it through one of these filters, you set yourself apart from the rest of the world.

The key to using these dips is to expect them. “I know I'm going to have trouble sawing a woman in half when I get to that point, but I can't let that get me discouraged. When I get there, I'll be prepared to push through and saw that damn woman in half.”

How can you possibly be caught off guard when you're expecting something?

And because you're expecting something, you'll be subtly be preparing for that eventuality. Because you know that you'll have trouble sawing the woman in half, you'll be getting ready for it long before you ever make it there, making it much easier when you are actually ready to take on the task.

By seeking out these challenges, you prepare yourself for them unlike your competitors. You won't get bogged and discouraged when you hit the dip. As the author says, “You'll lean into it,” so that you'll get out of it as fast as possible.

Next is to do what you're best at. Pretty simple.

A lot of people don't though. They spread themselves too thin, trying to do a number of things they're good at. Thereby dooming themselves to mediocrity in every venture.

In The Dip, he uses an example about how a new CEO of GM came out with the new hard line of “If we're not number 1 or 2 in that division, we're shutting it down.”

But why would you cut something that's profitable? Because it's detracting from your most successful ventures. What little profit you're making is detracting from the possibilities in your better goals through time and effort.

Sure, you may be making a profit of three dollars with A and B, but if cutting B allows you to make four dollars with just A, doesn't it seem like that's the way to go?

Finally, quit as often as possible. This seems to contradict the idea of pushing through the dips. Don't give up, push through the difficulties!

It's not a matter of quitting when the going gets tough. It's a matter of recognizing what does and does not work and quitting what doesn't work.

Recognizing the dead ends in your goals for what they are, will prevent you from wasting a lot of time and effort and money. If your goal is to be the greatest theoretical physicist of all time, you have to recognize that goal for what it is.

That's something that can't necessarily be trained, like throwing a football. It's not something you can just realize you want to do, your mind had to being shaped for that sort of comprehension at a very young age.

Not that just anyone can train to be the world's best football player, but having the physical prowess for football could lead you in many directions. Whereas, having the mental prowess for physics, the options are a lot narrower.

So, when you decide your goals you have to take an honest look and question whether or not it's a venture you can really succeed at.

Likewise, when you get to a slow point, you have to ask yourself whether it's just a dip or if it could possibly be a dead end. Not “this is too hard, I don't want to,” but “I can't possibly go any further.” If it's the latter, you have to quit.

So that's what I picked up from the book. On Thursday, I'll talk about what decisions I've made because of what I've learned from The Dip.

Live Through This

First off, sorry for the lack of post on Tuesday. Could think of nothing to write about they few times I had the motivation.

Yesterday, was probably the worst day of my life.

I'm not saying that to be dramatic or because my phone crapped out and then i got into a fender bender and then found out I bombed a test.

I'm pretty sure it was the worst day I've ever lived through. Never before have I had to continuously remind myself there were reasons to live the way I did yesterday.

NOT that I was planning on killing myself, but I had to keep saying, "Well you've got X or Y." But, it seriously went on like that until a couple hours before I went back to bed.

Luckily a friend offered a few kind words and it knocked me out of it.

It was just a scary and miserable day. Trust me, you never want to be in a position where you have to tell yourself that living is better than dying outside of a philosophical discussion. Meaning it seriously.

I'm not suicidal. I just want to say that. Like most everything, I've reasoned out why that's such a stupid idea. But, I think most people think they would rather be dead than alive at some point. Yesterday was just a rather intense example of that for me.

But I lived through it. I'm still here and that's a big something, to not see any reason to live, at times, but keep on.

Yesterday was my rock bottom, I think. And I don't want to be there again. At one point, a friend showed me a video of these cyborg wheel chair things, that I knew was funny. I was laughing. But laughing made me cry.

I can't go back there. I hope that was my rock bottom, because from there I can only go up.

If I can live through the worst day in my life, I can live through anything.

I am still here.

Word Becomes Song

It's amazing how much you don't know about something until you actually try it.

For about the last month, I've been writing songs. Up until that point I'd written one song. Which, I'd mostly forgotten and rewrote anyway.

At this point, I've written ten complete songs, with two more partially done. It's astonishing how far I've come in about 25 days. I listened to the one I wrote first and the difference is laughable.

I never realized I knew virtually nothing about what makes a song compelling to listen to. I still know pretty much nada, but I'm getting better at faking it. I'm writing stuff that's a lot more complicated and dynamic than when I started out. I'm improving and that's always a great feeling.

I'm still trying to find my voice as a singer, how I want to sound. So I'm writing a range of stuff, this week it's been more poppy stuff. It's really fun to actually listen to music with the intention of creating some later. What's good and what's bad about songs. I tried listening to a band the other night that I used to have a huge boner for, but I couldn't make it through a single song because generally every aspect was terrible and not something I wanted to recreate.

I haven't really been able to write much when I'm not particularly inspired, but I'm still writing something everyday. Whether it be poem or song or short story.

My poetry is definitely becoming more dynamic and my latest short story was one of my best ever I think. Exactly the style I wanted, loved it.

I'm reading a fair bit too most every day. Finished Dharma Bums by Kerouac over the weekend and I'll probably finish The Road by Cormac McCarthy tomorrow. Both of which are highly recommended.

All in all, I'm loving words right now. I'm loving reading them, working with them, singing them, being inspired by them, and finding great ways to make them mean something when there may have been nothing before.

Cortizol Shmortizol

Huzzah and sweet action on fire!

Went to the doctor today and got some good news. Well, not good like, "Nothing's wrong! Hooray!" but good news like I know what might be wrong.

Hooray!

So, apparently, my cortisol levels are absurdly low.

It was tested at four different times throughout the day, 8 AM, 12 PM, 4 PM, and 12 AM. The normal range is 13-25nM, 5-10nM, 3-8nM, and 1-4nM of cortisol, respectively. You want to be somewhere in there.

Mine however, were 2nM, 3nM, 4nM, and 2nM...

Respectively.

18% of the lowest range of normal when I wake up.

He seemed fairly certain this was why I have such low energy throughout the day. It's a sign of adrenal deterioration, so my body isn't producing what it needs to in order to jump start every day.

That's what I gathered anyway, I realized I didn't ask as many questions about it as I should have and most information online is about too much cortisol, which can also a factor in depression.

But: "Low cortisol results in cell receptors failing to adequately receive thyroid hormones from the blood, and can explain certain emotional and behavioral symptoms even when a patient is on thyroid meds, such as the need to avoid leaving one’s house, seeking peace and quiet, unable to tolerate stress, low tolerance to loud noises, rage, emotional ups and downs similar to bi-polar, panic, obsessive compulsive tendencies, hyper sensitive to the comments of others, phobias, delusions, suicidal ideation,and more."

I definitely have several of those symptoms.

So he prescribed me a cortizol supplement and said I should start to see improvement within the month and I might even able to start curbing my intake of the supplement when I do.

If I don't see improvements in three months, then I'll report back and take it from there.

So some good news finally on that front. Hopefully it'll provide the boost I need.

Bittersweet

Tuesday was a wonderful day for Americans.

Our first black president was elected. It was a(n)historic day. Hopefully, Obama will inspire millions to be all they can be, live up to his promises, and incite real change in our country when we desperately need it. I'm pulling for him.

But.

Tuesday was also a terrible day for Americans.

In California, Proposition 8 passed.

For those that don't know, prop 8, once again, made it impossible for gay and lesbian couples to be joined in holy matrimony.

For little more than four months, couples were able to fulfill their dreams and be joined as one. And now, it's been shattered.

Not only is it forbidding couples from getting married, it nullifies the EIGHTEEN THOUSAND marriages that have taken place in the short time it was legal.

18,000 couples.

36,000 people.

Think about that.

36,000 people had a life's dream fulfilled. Only to see it taken away.

I never thought I would be upset as I am about this. I have literally had to wipe tears from my eyes a number of times today. I didn't even think too much about it before last night.

"Oh, there's no way that will pass. Especially not in California."

Florida and Arizona, where a similar proposition also ran and failed (they were to make gay marriage legal), yeah I could have seen that coming.

But not in California...

I can't even say why I'm so upset. As a friend pointed out, "You're not gay. Or married. Or gay married."

I have a lot of gay friends, and I know this is an important issue to them. But I can't say I ever gave it a whole lot of thought.

No, I don't know that it's the issue necessarily. I think it's more my intense disappointment in the people of California and America as a whole on the issue.

I believed people were more accepting than this. That people loved their fellow man and their wishes, no matter what.

This is essentially not only shattering the possibility of happiness for thousands and thousands and thousands of people across the nation. But also, my own world view.

Despite how completely fucked up the world is, I've always thought people were inherently good. That they would do what was right, and kind, and would benefit people the most. I know I haven't had much proof to this theory. But it's still one I've held dear.

But that's not the issue, that's for me to reconcile.

The issue, is that this proposition is cruelty. It's beating up on a minority with archaic, personal, ideologues and fear-mongering. There's not one justifiable reason to not allow these people to be happy.

People are upset because they don't want gay marriages taking place in their church. Solution? Go to a different church. The state isn't FORCING the church to do anything. Every church has the right to refuse a marriage, regardless of sex, creed, sexual orientation, whatever. Do people really think because it's legal now, gays are just going to crawl out of the woodwork to be married and piss all over your beliefs? No, they're going to be married somewhere they're accepted, not in your haven of hate and fear.

People are also afraid it's going to pervert children and they're going to all become gay. Get real. People don't just decide, "WELL I GUESS SINCE EVERYONE ELSE IS GAY, I WILL BE TOO." That's the kind of ignorance that has kept social advancement at a crawl. Yes, children are going to be told it's okay to be gay.

Because it is.

If you, as a parent, don't think it's okay, then it is your RESPONSIBILITY to explain to your child why you think so. It's not the government's job to shield your child from life.

It is not mine, nor yours, nor the government's, nor God's, nor Allah's, nor L. Ron Hubbard's, nor anyone else's place to say what makes a person happy or what is holy or what is sanctimonious.

Nor should it be a democratic process that decides this.

Nor should the rights of a person be infringed upon because they are of a different sexual orientation.

Nor should who is and who is not family be decided by anyone other than the people in that family.

All of those things lie within the self. Not the church. Not the state. Not hate groups. Not the PTA. Not anything but the self.

This is not justice.

This is not fair.

And luckily, this will not stand.

But, unluckily, it will take time.

I can only hope that time comes soon.

Please don't get caught up in the historic moment that is taking place, no matter how great it is. Don't forget forget that while we've come so far, we've yet so far to go. Don't stop caring for your fellow man.

It's a bittersweet day for me and I pray I'm not alone.

Unamerican

It's election day and I'm invoking my constitutional right to abstain from voting.

I'm unamerican.

According to some at least. Mostly by people who don't want to see this election stolen by the Republican party again. But, before I'm crucified, I've got a couple reasons for this choice.

One: I don't like either opponent.

HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE OBAMA? HE'S A BASTION OF HOPE!!!

Six months ago (maybe less) I would have agreed with you. But, when he voted in favor of warrantless wiretapping, he lost my support and became just another easy-talkin' politician.

To me, personal freedoms are the things that make America great. These freedoms include being able to talk to whomever I want without the fear of Uncle Sam listening in on me. Whether it's to prevent a supposed terrorist threat or not. (If it weren't for America's terrible terrible terrible foreign policies, we wouldn't have a terrorist threat.)

I don't want to see America follow the same path Great Britain has started down recently of having everything under closed circuit surveillance and absurd assumed police jurisdiction (when people start being hassled for taking pictures of and video taping buildings, something's gone horribly wrong.) Not to sound like a Big Brother, 1984 nut... But sounds sounds a lot like Big Brother.

As such, I can't support a candidate who supports these actions.

McCain/Palin is just a joke. Most of the joke is by fault of Palin, but that falls on who she represents. And he represents a continuation of failed policies and lies.

Two: Here in Dothan,Alabama, Houston County, my vote won't matter.

Yes, yes, I know. The 2000 election was decided by 537 votes (and a little creative counting by the GOP).

But, some rough numbers:

"According to unofficial vote totals for 2004, Bush received 26,868 votes and John Kerry received 9,141 votes.

In the November 2000 election, Houston County strongly supported Bush. Countywide, 22,150 people voted for Bush and 9,412 voted for Gore. Nader received 257 votes."
-http://www.epodunk.com/cgi-bin/politicalInfo.php?locIndex=11901

That's not 537. That's 17727 more votes for Bush in 2004. An increase of almost five thousand votes from the 2000 election. We had already seen how much Bush could screw up in four years and the voters here were more eager to reelect him than to elect him.

I have no doubt that it will be closer this year. There is a marginal black population, but the majority of the voters here are still white middle class Christians.

This county has also voted for Republican congressional candidates since the seventies. All seats.

Not to mention it's Alabama. There will be a few counties that Obama will win, but not anywhere near enough to win the state.

I have friends in Austin who reply with, "Well I'm in Texas! I'm still voting!"

And more power to you. But, I don't work that way. I don't get satisfaction from doing something just to do it. With the exception of my emotions, I completely rationalize everything.

Three: I don't support our current election system.

Electoral votes are absurd. Plain and simple. When the popular vote matters, I'll care a great deal more.

The electoral votes are meant to protect the smaller states. So states like California and New York don't control the White House because they have superior populations. So you've got people in New York who's vote don't count nearly as much as someone's in West Virgina.

That's hardly fair either.

I understand the concern, but it just doesn't work. It doesn't benefit people like me who live in a town where he's one of the only people who shares his views.

I feel that by participating in a system I don't agree with, all I'm doing is prolonging the institution.

Four: Cos fuck you.

It's my choice whether I vote or not. Don't guilt me for making a decision.



In summation: I think Obama is the better choice. But it still doesn't matter. He speaks of change and hope, and for our sake I really really really hope he's able to deliver. We're in it in bad way right now and I don't think one man is going to be able to change that.

The economy's in shambles, there's a god forsaken war going on, our educational system is a joke, we're still the most hateful and ignorant people on the planet, and we can't learn from our mistakes.

Obama may be a politician we all like, but he's still a politician. Very few politicians in this country have ever had the public as their focus. Call me a cynic, but I don't think it will change.

I HOPE it does.

I HOPE he proves me wrong.

It may be that I made up these reasons because I'm too lazy or apathetic to vote. I don't rule out that possibility. So, take these reasons at face value, they may not mean anything.

But, whether they came about before or after I decided not to vote is irrelevant. I believe them now and I'm standing by my decision.

I have a choice too, even if it's different from yours and doesn't support your revolution.

I'm just as American as you.

Just a different kind of American.

On the Road

I first got the urge to make this trip when I read On the Road by Kerouac at the beginning of the year. Hitchhiking from place to place, walking when no one would drive, sleeping out in the open, and seeing what America had to offer.

When I started reading another book by Kerouac, The Dharma Bums, yesterday, that feeling immediately returned.

I want to see what makes this country so great. I want to confirm or deny this feeling I have that people everywhere are all the same, generally good but with our flaws. I long for squalor. To have nothing but my pack on my back.

It won't be the same as it could have been 50 years ago, hopping in rail cars and the like, but I still think it'd be awesome.

I'd want to mostly follow the same path Sal Paradise followed in on the road. From New York to San Fran to L.A. and on down to Mexico. Though maybe head north from Denver into Canada and head all the way down the west coast to Baja.

Just go and write the whole time. Take some notebooks, pens, my guitar, picks, and see what happens.

P.S.-Sorry for the late post, not the best day in the world.

Falling Off the Horse

I've fallen off the horse lately.

I haven't worked on my site in at least a week, I think more like two. Today was the first time I went to the gym in two weeks. I stopped using Simple.ology (about the same time I stopped doing everything else.)

It's been 75% bad, I'd say. The 25% that I'm riding on is the few things I've started in the last week:

Writing. I've written four or five pretty complete songs, a similar number of incomplete ones, a few poems, and a short story.

Reading. I read a book for the first time in months (not including a couple of books on tape, but I'm not counting that.) It was Gardens of the Moon, the first in a fantasy series that I'm now going to have to finish. I loved it. Great characterization, great story, amazing history, and really well written. I'm only expecting it to get better.

Guitar. It's going slowly, but still going. There's so much to learn and I really don't know where to start. I'm learning some chords that I've made flash cards for. Think I've got 8/10 of them down. I'll add more soon. Really need to work on transitioning from one to the next... Develop a system to move from every chord to every other one. I'll get some pointers from my little brother this weekend when he comes in.

Edit: I'm actually doing really well with this. A lot farther than I ever got in my previous attempts at guitar already.

But, while all that is well and fantastic. I need to get back on the horse with my other things. I worked out again today, nothing like that soreness. Going to keep on that bandwagon, it'll make me feel better emotionally as well.

I need to keep a positive attitude as well. I get upset for very, very, very, silly reasons sometimes. I was positively FUMING last week when Auburn lost a football game. There's no reason for me to get so upset about something so absolutely trivial. It has no direct impact on my life. Why would I let that bother me? Never again.

So that's a bit of the this and that of where I am right now. I'm figuring out some priorities and shifting them around a bit. I won't be happy until I've figured out what's really important and focus on those things.

Changing Schedules

I'm going to switch to a Tuesday, Thursday update schedule. I don't feel like I'm doing enough right now to justify three posts a week. I'd rather have two quality posts than three mediocre posts. So you'll see that change next week.

In the mean time:

Saw a doctor yesterday about my depression. It's not the Neuroscience guys, but he's all about non-traditional medicine. I've got to do a saliva test Sunday so he can mail it off Monday. He's in town too, so I don't have to worry about traveling for two hours or not having a doctor I can go to all together.

Learning guitar. I made chord flashcards last night. Just wish I had A) my electric and/or B) an acoustic. I don't like the way my brother's guitar sounds. It's throaty?

I'm writing. Quite a bit. I'm pretty much pounding out a new song every day. I'm really happy with the quality of stuff I'm producing too. It's still a little sophomoric, but it's growing. Funny how skills diminish when they're not being used.

Focusing

I need to take the time to figure out exactly who I am and what's important to me.

I still don't know. And I don't know how expect to become that person when I don't know who that person is.

It's an absurd and unreasonable expectation of myself.

The picture's becoming more clear, but it's still out of focus.

Stop Running from the Truth

I'm finally realizing and accepting that this is who I am.

I picked up a book Saturday because I liked the cover, the back of a person's head with hot pink hair and massive headphones. It's called 'Hairstyles of the Damned.' But I bought it because of one of the quotes on the back cover:

"Judging by his latest novel, Meno is a romantic at heart. Not the greeting card kind, or the Harlequin paperback version, but the type who thinks, deep down, that things matter, that art can change lives.
-Elgin Courier News

I read that and understood that's who I want to be. More, that's who I am. I've just been afraid of accepting it and expressing it as a writer. Mostly because of a lot of the things listed in that image I found on reddit.

I've also fought writing because it's been a symptom of my depression. My really inspired stuff has always been done when I'm at my lowest. Just like the rest of my symptoms, I can't ignore it any longer. I have to do something about all of them and I'm going to choose to write.

Depressed or not.

I don't know what I'm going to write. I don't know who I'm going to write for. I just know I'm going to do it.


On second thought, I do know who I'm going to write for...

I'm going to write for me.

And anyone else can jump on if they want.

Too Far, Too Fast

Basically zero productivity this week.

Basically 100% depression this week.

I didn't think my progress would be pretty much completely eliminated so quickly. I can't think of why either. I didn't do anything Thursday through Sunday because my little brother was in town and we all went to the beach.

But when I got home I couldn't get back into the swing of things. I wake up with plans for everything I want to get done and I just can't do ANY of it.

Essentially the only thing I've done this week is my blog posts. Other than that I've just watched TV and browsed the internet. I guess playing poker is something productive, but I haven't played very intelligently when I have played.

I think one reason is that my mom's been out of town this week. She's largely been my only outside support system and were she here I know I would have gotten back on track already.

I had started to think it was going to be easy and now I can see I was wrong.

I'm going to write this off as a humbling week. I need to be acutely aware of how easy it's going to be for me to fall off the horse and must always be on my guard against that.

I can't be afraid of getting back on the horse for fear of falling off again.


But, so this isn't a completely negative post and because I need to remember how important it is to have a positive attitude, here are good things I've decided this week:

Going to learn guitar. I've attempted maybe a half dozen times but never stuck with it. But, I've got a lot of time to kill here and I'm going to start using it for fun things that are productive.

Reading is another one of those things. I've gotten so far away from reading, it's kind of sad. I need to flex my mind more and it will help with my creative writing (in whatever form that may take) as well.

I don't love that it's come to this, but I'm going to schedule times to do this stuff. Until it becomes habit and enjoyable, it'll be too easy to quit. So, I'm going to schedule an hour each day to read and practice guitar. I'm probably going to do the same for working on the site and whatever else.

I may think it's lame that I have to do this now, but it'll help a lot long term and after probably a month I shouldn't be dependent on a schedule anymore.



I know I'll make it out alive though. I can't let go of the feeling that something big is just around the corner.

Fitting, No?

Found this quote that goes with the theme of the week:

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
-Ellen Goodman


If you think it sounds absurd, it's because it is.

Drop Out.

On Monday, I talked about what I think is one of the most important things I've ever learned:

Life isn't about doing what you're supposed to. Life is about doing what makes YOU happy.

I think this is a profoundly important thing to remember and implement into your thinking. It's one of those things that is always sort of staring you in the face, but you don't really realize it. It seems obvious enough, but why wouldn't everyone live this way?

Because we're not supposed to.

So many people are caught up in being a part of the rat race that they don't realize what they're doing. They're told it's so important to get a degree and a steady job and a family and a mortgage and a retirement fund, that they forget what makes them tick.

I'm not saying it's impossible to be happy doing this. I know that this is a lot of people's ideals and I'm not bashing them for that. I personally can't wait to have a family and take care of them.

I'm not here to argue the end results, that is what it is. I'm here to argue the means of getting there.

There is not one best way to get what you want out of life. Well, there is, but it's different for everyone. Doing what makes you happy every step of the way, no matter what it may be.

It may be difficult at times, money might get tight, you might lose the support of some people, and chances are you'll doubt yourself at some point. Standing out from the crowd isn't easy.

And with everyone telling you you're doing it wrong, it definitely doesn't get easier. Very few people will think the same way as you. But no one can disagree with the results.

And they'll be jealous.

It'll start even before you succeed in your goals. It will start immediately and when it does they'll try harder than ever to put you down.

You can't listen to that.

I listened to it for way too long.

I knew before I graduated high school that I didn't want to go to college right away. I was so sure that I hadn't applied to any schools. I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I knew what I didn't. (Which is equally important in doing what makes you happy.)

But then January and February rolled along and all of my friends were talking about college. Where they'd been accepted, what they were going to do, all that good stuff.

It made me second guess myself. “What the hell am I doing? I'm SUPPOSED to go to college when I get out of high school.” I applied to a couple schools, and unfortunately I had been accepted to Auburn based only on my SAT scores.

This led to some of the least happy times in my life. I made myself believe I wanted to all these things I didn't. Sure they were things I that would have been nice. Getting a degree and then being a doctor. I guess I could have done that.

But it's not what makes me happy.

So, now, almost four years (when I would be finishing up that degree), several thousand dollars in tuition, and countless wasted opportunities later, I'm finally going with my gut.

I'm not in school and I'm taking steps to lead a life that will make me happy.

By no measure of standard is it what I'm supposed to do. It's still hard to talk about what I'm doing because I know it's not what I'm supposed to do. When I tell people, there's this sense of "What are you thinking?" that falls over them. Few people understand, support, and are excited about it.

But I can't worry about them. Because they don't know what's best for me. They might think they do, but they don't.

I've seen too many people who go through life unhappy because they're doing what they're supposed to. I won't be one of them.

Only I know what is best for me. And it isn't what I'm supposed to do.

I'm dropping out of the rat race. If you feel society isn't getting you off, I want you to drop out too.

Stop running blindly to that shitty cheese at the end and open your eyes to see that what you really want has been around you all the time.

You just have to quit doing what you're supposed to.

Somethin' Don't Feel Right, Doc

Our current societal system is broken.

I wanted that to be a big impacting sentence that just resonates with you. Some truth that you've always known was there, but never put to words. Like the laws of physics.

I don't think it was. But that might be because it's not something that I'm just realizing.

I guess it isn't completely broken (though a look at the last week's stock markets might tell a different story). But it doesn't work the way it should.

It's like bad sex: It only cares about getting itself off. Not everyone involved. The result is that someone isn't satisfied with the process.

I'm that someone. Society and the way our society operates, at large, doesn't get me off. I don't feel that the American way, and probably the western way, is designed to make me happy. Here's what I mean...

When you're a kid, everyone you ever speak to says "You can be whatever you want."

You want to be an astronaut? Well we can never have too many Neil Armstrongs!

Cowboy? Well that's just fine with me pard'ner!

Police officer? I'll sure feel safe with you on the streets!

You hear that all the time growing up. "You can be whatever you want." Until it actually becomes time to grow up. Then, suddenly, your paths become limited. There is a set path to walk down, you find. You have to graduate high school. Then, you go to college.

But why?

Well, son. You go to college so you can get a good job.

But why?

Well, that way you'll be able to support yourself and your wife and your children.

But why?

So that you'll be able to put them through college and retire when you're 65.

But why?

Because that's just what you're supposed to do.

Now I'm going to impart some knowledge that I learned recently. It's one of the most important things I've ever learned and I hope anyone that reads this fully grasps it, takes it to heart, and applies it:

Life isn't about doing what you're supposed to. Life is about doing what makes YOU happy.

I want you to think about that for the next couple days.

On Wednesday, I'm going to do a follow up, explaining more why I feel this way and why I think it's important that everyone should feel this way.

Results You can Feel!

Being a results driven individual has it's ups and downs. Seeing results pushes me further and further. If I'm not seeing results, I don't really push. So, getting momentum going is pretty hard sometimes for me.

In my first week of regimented workouts there's already noticeable gains.

Not really, "Hey you look bigger!" but more "Hmm, my iPod holder needs to be loosened from where it was previously." Noticing the little things leads to bigger ones.

I started drinking Muscle Milk again, forgetting that the periods when I was getting strongest, I was using this product.

So that's going well, even if I haven't started a full on crossfit work out. I just don't have the equipment necessary to do get into it the way I would want. In the mean time I'm using my mom's church's gym. It's more than adequate for a basic workout routine.

Only about five days into my "not thinking about things that bring me down", or whatever you want to call it, and it's working like a charm so far. There have been a couple times where I've started to get upset or annoyed and just stopped whatever I was doing. The same goes for not storing things up.

It's been a great week emotionally and mentally after a pretty shoddy weekend.

However, I've been less than %100 productive this week in regards to both the website and simple.ology. I got a good amount of work done Monday and started to learn something new Tuesday, but that's really been about it.

I'm finding that I'm mostly productive during the day, even if it's just helping out around the house or some such, but when night comes around I'm just killing time like always. Granted, I do play poker mostly at night. So that's one good thing.

But I need to budget my productivity so that I don't think, "Well, I worked pretty hard today, I can take the night off." Getting a job will help this I think. Because in order for me to be productive on the things I want to do, I'll have to work on them at night when I get home.

Just a quick update for today, we're going to the beach today for Shrimp Fest, should be a fun weekend.

Hasta.

Getting at Those Pesky Roots

I said that until I get at the roots of my depression I won't be able to really be free of it. No matter how good I am at reducing the symptoms, part of it will still be there and rear it's ugly head occasionally.

I'm sure part of it is chemical. And I'll begin taking care of that more fully soon.

But a lot of it is me storing up years of anxiety.

Rarely do I talk about something when it's bothering me. I keep it to myself until finally I've had enough and I have a meltdown. This is good and bad. I rarely get really angry. Like, ever.

But when I do it's like Russell Crowe in a no holds barred match against a plethora of paparazzi. I cry, I yell, I punch walls (or people, or trees, or houses... my hands suffer the most.) But, almost as quickly as it comes it's gone again.

It's gone on this way for years, a long period of outward calm and then a blip of intense emotion. I'm sure you can see how this is good for interacting with people. People like me because I'm easy to get along with and don't ruffle too many feathers.

But for me, it's not really the best recipe for success. It takes a lot of effort to keep all that frustration under wraps. It would behoove me to just let it out and get on with it.

OR

Just let it go all together.

It sounds easy I guess and I'm not sure why I haven't done something about it before.

I guess I've spent too much time and effort figuring out what caused my problems and then being upset about the cause and not enough time FIXING the problems.

I realized it last night when I was talking to my mom. She suggested seeing a therapist to talk to. I said I didn't think that was necessary cause I've spent so much time talking to myself that I've got a pretty solid idea what's caused a lot of my depression.

"But are you able to let go of it?"

I don't think I've been able to. I've spent so much time being angry that I haven't let go of what's causing all the drama.

I spent years being angry at my older brother for crushing my self esteem growing up.

I spent years being angry at my father for never being there.

I've spent the last couple years being angry at myself for making so many mistakes coming out of high school and my apathy and financial ineptitude.

Being angry about these things hasn't done anything to fix the problems. Instead of dwelling on these problems after I discovered them, I should have decided to just LET. GO.

The past is past and you can't change it by being mad. Not that you can't let it shape your decisions for the future, but you can't let it rule your life.

See the things in your past you aren't happy with that have affected you.

Learn from them.

FORGET ABOUT IT.

This may upset the balance of some relationships, it definitely will with my father. Or it might FINALLY FIX THINGS, like it's going to with my brother and with myself.

But I've found the hard way you can't focus on keeping everyone else happy. You have to focus on keeping you happy.

It's time to stop being angry and just be.

I literally had these revelations last night and this morning and while I'm writing this. I hope you guys get at least a small bit of satisfaction and help from them.

Strengthening/Weakening Decisions

I had a terrible weekend. Saturday night I was so depressed and lonely I encouraged the dog to sleep in my bed.

The cat too.

I hate cats normally.

Sunday wasn't as bad, more of a fall out from the night before. But I didn't get anything done.

One of the staples of simple.ology is the Power Praxes. This is a system of evaluating what makes you stronger and what makes you weaker. I'll talk more about the simple.ology part later, but about how I can relate that to my mental state now.

The basic idea is that you look at a decision and think: "Will this make me stronger or weaker?" It's simple. If it's something that makes you weaker, you don't do it. If it makes you stronger, you do.

Simple.

I realized this morning I can apply that to my emotional state as well. I can't say specifically what started my downturn Saturday night. But I know that I was feeling lonely. I have to start paying close attention to my emotions and whenever they start slipping, I have to ask myself, "What is making me feel this way, specifically?"

And then stop whatever it is.

I know it's not a perfect solution. It's like a weed. You know that unless you get the roots it's going to grow back. But I don't yet know how to get at the roots. They're encased in lead or something. So until I figure that out, I have to keep chopping at what I can get at.

The more I do practice this train of thought, the easier it will be the next time and the next time and the next time. Until eventually, I won't think twice about doing the things that make me stronger and cutting out the things that make me weaker.

It definitely isn't perfect, but they're steps that will lead me to perfection, however small they may be.

Baby steps!

Little Victories

Song I heard tonight when I was watching Scrubs. Really good for me right now. Great song. Czech it.



Little Victories
-Matt Nathanson

This time, I'll be sailing
No more bailing boats for me
I'll be out here on the sea
Just my confidence and me

And I'll be awful sometimes
Weakened to my knees
But I'll learn to get by
On little victories

This time, I'll have no fear
I'll be standing strong and tall
Turn my back towards them all

And I'll be awful sometimes
Weakened to my knees
I'll learn to get by
And I'll learn to get by
On the little victories
And if the world decides to catch up with me
It's a little victory.

Getting It Right the First Time

Not going to be a big post today, I just spent an hour writing something that was really unhappy with. I'll come back to that story later, but not until I have time to make it not suck.

I guess that contradicts my post title a bit, but that's not I want to talk about...

Continuing in the theme of the week, I'm talking about my site. I'm peer testing the design a lot. Most major changes I run by people to get their opinion. The more feedback I get on it now, the fewer changes I have to make on it in the future when it'll be harder to change.

I'm taking advice on ideas, two of the best changes I've made have come at others' suggestions.

So continuing in that vein, here's what I've got as of today.


Click for larger view.

The navigation bar going across the top is going to be cut and I'm going to have the tabs be the nav bar. They're choppy now, but I just wanted to get an idea of how it'd look before I spent the time making them look great.

The big bubbles in the middle will be News/Featured Stories type things. Not sold on that layout.

But that's that. Tell me what you think, what you think I should change, what could be more clear, what I could add. Thanks a bunch.

Now it's back to work. Or maybe food...

The Diary of a First Time Designer

Day 1:

I'm making a website.

Day 2:

Oh shit... I'm making a website?

Day 3:

I $@%!ing hate Photoshop and the g#%%^@n teacher who thought she was teaching me a mother $@%!ing thi... *commence seizures*

In all seriousness, I like Photoshop. It's just got a bitch of a learning curve.

Right now I'm designing the basic layout of the site. The top banners, where I want the text boxes to go, sign in box, fonts, colors, those sorts of things.

It's sloppy still, most things are leveled by eye, not computer, so maybe not completely level. I'll be able to fix that as I program it in. Just a loose blueprint for the most part.

I'm really happy with the idea I had for my header. Once I perfect the font, I think it's going to look super solid. My friend Tynan had a great idea to make something cleaner that I was really unhappy with, it'll look easily 10x better just by implementing this quick fix.

I'm going to implement a forum, which will be easy with phpBB (best open source forum out there). The point of this forum is to really create a community among the authors, a place where they can discuss the texts, plot development, world development, and everything else about writing.

Also, this is going to be the only place to lobby for their stories. Because it's vote based, it's going to be imporant to garner the support of other people. The forums will be key to having your voice heard, especially for the less established writers. I fully expect there to be alliances, groups banding together to push a certain plot line, using their collective brilliance to make the best story.

I've been encountering a lot of "So where do I go now?" as I progress. Being my first time, I'm not positive on how it's done. It's awkward and there's a lot of feeling around in the dark. (Seriously a lot of parallels to teen sex... Programs that work beautifully, if you know how to use them... The possibility of everyone finding out you're terrible... Shame.) I've been going a lot on the help of my friends. It's good to have people around who already know what they're doing. Tynan already runs several sites and my friend Pat knows a lot about coding and offered to help me with the more complicated stuff.

Resources are the best.

Other news:

Been having some off days lately. My initial "LET'S DO THIS" has tapered a bit, which is typical of me. But even with the reduced productivity, I'm still getting an assload more done than I was before.

I've had some depression spikes the last couple days, partly because of the reduced productivity, partly causing the reduced productivity. But, I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to get all the tests done that I need to for the neurotransmitters. In order to start that though, I started taking some 5-htp this morning (100mg, single serving) and after maybe 3 hours I already feel different up top. I feel BETTER. It may be mental, just thinking better because I took something, in the same sense that a placebo would work. But who cares. I FEEL better.

I've been bad about getting on my workout schedule. I'll workout today.

Simple.ology is going well. The small lessons are getting kind of annoying because it seems like I haven't done/learned much in the last week or so. But the daily praxes are due to start in two days I think. The computer programs are also frustratingly poorly written. I have a sloppy workaround for one, but the other won't even let me shut my computer down when it's running.

I can't understand that one.

Be gentle... It's my first time.

"Do you want to go to the bedroom?" she asked.

"No. I want to make a website."

Don't worry, I'm not quite ready to post the self improvement of my sex life here. Also, I need to not talk about my sex life as being "self" improvement anymore. Kinda gives off the wrong impression...

Anyway.

I'm starting on my first website. I was hesitant to divulge any major details about it at first, fearing that once I let it out into the universe, it would be inevitably ruined or stolen or some nonsense. But then I realized that's absurd. AND even if someone is douchey enough to steal my idea, it won't matter anyway cause I'll make my site 10x better than theirs.

I like to write (one of my favourite things about having a blog thus far).

I have zero desire to be a starving artist or to ever have that be a remote possibility.

So, how am I to make a steady income that incorporates, but not necessarily is limited exclusively to, writing?

One option is to become a professional blogger. Something I could see myself enjoying eventually, I'd want to build up my repertoire of life experience first before I took it super seriously.

The other option, is Writing Republic (tentative title).

*Cue fireworks*

The idea originally came about while I was thinking about PostSecret and how Frank makes a living pretty much doing nothing but providing a very simple outlet for people. (Originally at least, he does tour to colleges now.) I thought, "I can easily come up with something just as good pretty easily."

I did.

In very simple terms, it's like the game pretty much everyone played when they were kids. A story is started and is passed off to the next person, who continues the story in their own fashion, until the story is completed.

This in and of itself could be and has been the basis for a pretty good website. Online, it's called "Addventuring." These stories typically involve many branches of stories, going in all different directions, sometimes never ending.

That's going to be a key difference between my site and the others. There will only be one storyline per story and there will be finality.

But how? How can one story possibly be selected from the multitudes sent in and still encourage people to write more?

I leave that to the people. A vote. A Republic perhaps?

(You see what I did there?)

The stories will be started and the readers/authors will submit the next section or chapter of the story. These submissions will be posted and then voted on for a period of time. The winner of the vote becomes the next, set in stone, section or chapter. The readers/authors will then base the next section from the previous one and it will be voted on, rinse and repeat until the story is completed.

There will be very few parameters set. I want there to be a lot of freedom in the writing, people changing points of view, who the protagonist is, what the conflict is. So I won't limit it by saying "This story is going be a coming of age story written in the third person."

I think those sort of constructs are the things that limit people's skill and enjoyment of the writing process. Broad guidelines, like simply defining what genre the story will be in, will lead to much more creativity and thus participation.

I'll let the authors define whether or not something should be done a certain way. It's pretty much all going to be in their control.

One of the few exceptions to this rule is going to be length of submissions and frequency of submissions. I don't want the stories to be hijacked by a particular author.

The length is self explanatory. People aren't going to wade through a submission if they know they don't have to vote for it.

But frequency of submissions, or wins rather, is to prevent a particular author from becoming all powerful. I think I'll limit the consecutive wins to three. Which is more than enough time to sway a storyline completely, but few enough to prevent it from dominating a story. (The number of times I'll allow depends on what I set the submission length to.)

I know I can make this site a success, because I know there are thousands of people who, like me, love writing, but aren't willing to make the plunge. So it sits idly as an unused or seldom used skill. People will take the time to write a chapter when they know they can easily abandon it. It's optional commitment.

An open relationship, if you will.

But, because it's optional, there should also be a reward system to encourage people to stay committed. Part of that system will be in the process itself. Seeing that your writing was good enough to garner the support of others who voted for you.

But I don't think that will be enough to get continued participation from the more casual writers, regardless of their skill level. So, I'm going to throw in a little more to the mix:

I'm going to get the stories published.

Not all of them, hopefully there will be too many stories to make that a reality, at least in the near future. I'll probably continue the voting system to decide which stories will be published. (Double benefit, the ones that win are most likely the better stories and will thus sell the most.)

But why would people participate so I can make money off of their hard work? Well, Frank from PostSecret would say because of the sense of community, not feeling like you're the only one who feels a certain way. (Seriously, before his tours he didn't do anything.) But, because your submissions may not win, I'm going to take it one step farther:

I'm going to share the profit of the book sales with the authors of the books.

I can't say how much, as I really don't know much about the publishing process. I could make the payout percentage based, depending on how much of the story was written. Or I could do flat-rate. Not sure, but that's not going to be an issue for a little while still.

So, that's the idea. A writing site that lets the community actually be a part of something. Being published is one of the biggest rewards an author can have. This is going to make that a possibility for everyone and encourage them to keep working at writing.

It's going to be a game, a challenge, a reward system, a means of expression, all rolled into one.

I'll have more on this for sure. Specifics about the site, stuff like forums, campaigning, alliances, and everything else that could arise. Wednesday (I'm going to adopt a more formal, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, posting calendar) I'll talk on some of the things I'm encountering as a first time web designer in the early stages.

Good news:

I'm ahead of the game.

I still feel really good about what I'm doing and I think that counts for a lot.

Planning Makes Perfect: Finances (5 of 5)

I almost put this off until morning, sorta tired. But that wouldn't really be in the spirit of what I'm trying to do. So forgive any typos and oversights you may encounter.

I'm bad with money. I think it's a trait inherited from my parents. One who always made keeping up appearances a priority and the other who just liked to spend it when they got it. Budgeting is not something I'm familiar with.

Won't work.

I'm going to create a pretty thorough budget. Detailing specifics for everything I would need money for. Food, shelter (rent/power/water/gas), fuel, gym membership (if applicable), spending money, savings, and anything else I think of. I'm going to err on the up-side, so even if I'm running heavy one month in something I know I'll be covered.

My main priority right now is to pay off my credit card. After that is accomplished, I'll be saving the majority of my earnings. I'll be spending some, I want to get Kettlestacks, for instance, as kettlebells are used frequently in Crossfit. My expenses will be mostly things of that nature, items I'll further use in my reformat and beyond. I don't expect to spending more than a couple hundred dollars a month, those items included.

I'm going to create this budget while I'm free of the majority of my financial responsibility. Once I go back out on my own, instead of letting my pay grade influence my budget, I'm going to make my budget influence my pay grade. I'm going to make whatever amount I decide on to be my bare minimum month to month.

That seems backwards, but I think the motivation of "I have to make this much every month" will be a lot stronger than "I can get by on this much every month." I don't want bare minimum anymore.

I won't settle for bare minimum anymore. Balls out from now on.

Having that budget won't do any good if I don't have a way to keep it. For making money, I'm going to do several things.

Firstly, I'm designing a web site. I started on Wednesday with the design stages. Think I came up with a name I'm happy with today. I'm going to keep the details, other than it will be a writing site,under wraps for now; but the people I have talked with about it think it's a good, marketable idea. There are a few sites out there that are similar, but not many and only one that I saw that was of any quality. I like the marketshare of being one of two competitors.

I'm going to devote a heavy portion of my time to this, since it's going to take quite a bit of work. If I bust ass on it, I'll definitely be able to have it up by the end of the year. Probably out of the beta stages by then, making changes to increase traffic, etc.

Secondly, I'm going to start playing poker when I get some money in my pocket. It's a somewhat ludicrous venture, yes. But taking calculated risks is the best way to acquire wealth. There's a lot less gambling than most people generally think, much more calculations of odds and outs and the like. And definitely something with no limit to how good I can get and how much money I can make.

Until I make enough money that I'm comfortable starting to play, I'm going to devote a portion of each day, most likely at least an hour, to either learning more about the game or playing the game for free. This way I'll be better prepared when I actually start, making the learning curve of losing money as short as possible. There are treasure troves of information out there that most people don't take advantage of, videos and books by the boatload. I know people don't take advantage of them because people lose money playing. Over the long run, poker is a beatable game.

These are both highly portable ventures, I can play poker and manage a website from anywhere in the world. Which is an important feature for me, I don't plan on staying in one place for too long anymore, but I'll have a post devoted to that later.

But both of these ventures take not only start up costs, but start up time. I'm betting hard on them though. To the extent that the job I'm going to be seeking here in Dothan, will be one in which I have even a modicum of free time to work on these things. This will be the priority in my job hunt, not the amount of money it pays; any job I'm able to get will be a difference of couple dollars per hour at most anyway. I want to be able to either a book to read about design or poker or, best case scenario, I have a computer to program and play in my down time. Unless you're doing manual labor, chances are you've got a hefty bit of down time every day in your job. I'm going to use this down time to my advantage.

So there it is and here I am.

This concludes my five-part planning stage of my reformat. I detailed the four major aspects of my life that I need to work on and how I plan to do it. If I stick to these plans, I can't fail. It might get difficult at times, but I'm not afraid of working hard. It's been a long time that I've broken a sweat and I'm eager to remember what it's like.

Planning Makes Perfect: Health (4 of 5)

I just weighed myself using my family's Wii Fit.

136 lbs.

That's an increase of like three pounds from last Wednesday, or there abouts.

That's awesome. Like, woah.

Unfortunately, there's no way that's all muscle, like I want it to be. I've exercised three times since then: skim boarding at the beach, a workout yesterday, and a workout tonight.

Irregular workouts won't do it. I'm going to get on a schedule and work out on those days, even if it's not the work out that I had planned. If I'm dying and I really can't do it, I'll at least do some yoga or stretches.

I'm going to start doing Crossfit again. I'm pretty convinced it's the best training regimen out there for full body fitness. It's all about active movements, pushing yourself to your absolute limit, and shocking your body with different exercises every day. It's free and the exercises are posted daily in a three on one off format.

Navy Seals, SWAT teams, firefighters, olympians, they all use it. Designed to take only about a half hour, you really get in there, hard, and get out. I did it for a month about a year ago and nearly puked on a number of occasions. In only a month I was in massively better shape. Stronger, leaner, great stamina.

The only problem I had with it will probably be remedied by doing the workout on my own. I wasn't seeing any real increase in size. I was more cut, but the size that comes with strength gain wasn't there; I think it's because the class we did it in was geared too much for an "Everyone can do it!!!" kind of feel. The range of body types was huge. From mine and my friends' 20-something fit bodies to a couple people who might be classified as obese to a 65 year-old woman. I'll be able to do the suggested routine (we didn't follow the website) and work at my own pace to focus on the things I want from the work out.

I think I'm gonna be able to grab my older brother's weight set this weekend, so I won't have to join a gym. Also, my weight vest that I used for climbing will come in handy once I get rolling with it.

That takes care of exercise, but diet will also be an important routine.

For now, I'm going to continue my quantity over quality approach. I'm loving being full all the time and when I'm not full, I'm on my way to the kitchen to get that way. I'm averaging pretty close to five meals a day and I swear I ate about a pound and a half of shell fish last weekend.

It seems to be working pretty well, as I've gained three pounds already. Now that I'm on a work out schedule, I may have to start eating even more to sustain my calorie intake.

Eventually, I'm going to do a little bit of research and create a version of MaxDiet that works for me. Or, if I'm not satisfied with my findings, just get on the MaxDiet.

I just can't add that to all I'm working on right now. I know that if I throw myself into the fire more than I am, I won't be able to sustain it and I'll wind up stopping something that I'm working on. I don't want to do that as everything I'm working on is extremely important.

Another aspect of my health that I have to work on is my sleep schedule. It's not as miserable lately as it has been in the past, but it's by no means what you would call good. Usually at least two before I'm in bed, up anywhere from eight to ten. Seeing that, I would have called that great a month ago. But I want to strive for greatness now, not what I would have called great a month ago.

I've had periods during the day where I'm exceedingly tired for no apparent reason, sometimes needing to take a nap, which isn't something typical of me. I guess it's just because of the shift my sleep schedule has undergone. It was four to five every day the last couple weeks I was in Austin before I got to sleep.

So, there's my fitness/health/exercise/whateveryouwanttocallit plan. I won't be able to kick Crossfit into high gear until I get a weight set, but I'm going to do my own workouts on the same days until then.

Soon, I'll be kicking ass and taking names. Huge lists of names.

Planning Makes Perfect: Productivity (3 of 5)

Fact: I'm lazy.

I've never had to work hard for what I want, so I don't really have much work ethic. Especially when it's something I'm not being directly paid for. I like seeing the fruits of my labor up front.

None of this patience baloney.

But that's something I have to change.

Now.

I need to learn use my efforts and hard work as payment while keeping the goal for the long run in focus.

To do this, I've started a program called Simple.ology. It's a forty day program designed to keep you on target for your goals. It's used by athletes, CEOs, anyone tyring to be more productive. The author, Mark Joyner, seems to know what he's doing too, with a number of #1 best sellers.

It's principles are based on building something brick by brick. Staying focused for an extended period of time, avoiding distractions, limiting your focus, and always progressing.

It's got daily video lessons, only about two to three minutes a piece. Most of them include an experiment to help prove the point (the most recent was stabbing a box with a knife and spoon to demonstrate the power of focused energy). After the lessons, you take a short quiz, and fill out a very brief questionnaire about what you learned. You're also encouraged to read the lesson (out loud if possible) and then listen to the lesson finally as an mp3. There is a very big emphasis on repetition, virtually taking each lesson 3 times a day. Which, due to the short length, isn't as bad as it may sound.

It also uses several programs to keep you on task: a desktop manager, it has a checklist, "dreamcatcher", "lockbox", and a "daily praxis" box; I'm not sure what the latter three are specifically used for yet, as I'm not that far in the daily lessons (designed to be done in about 15 minutes a day.) Also used is a task bar program, which I can neither use or uninstall for some reason, and a web page blocker to keep you on task while browsing, which is only available for internet explorer, so I don't use it either.

After being on the program for only a week, I'm already loving the results. I'm finally focusing on the things I want to accomplish, I'm setting goals, I'm planning for the future in ways that make me want to achieve my goals.

Having a checklist is awesome. It's always on my desktop and if I haven't completed something those empty check boxes just glare at me until I've done them. Checking stuff off is super rewarding in and of itself, it's like crack.

I can't wait to start the daily praxes, even though I'm not sure exactly what they are yet. According to some of the testimonials, it's the best part of the program.

The only complaint I've had so far is the peddling of follow up products in various emails. There are two other Simple.ology courses (this one is 101) that are not free, but are more specific. 102 is for businesses and making them profitable and 103 is for increasing and maintaining your energy. I may try them at some point in the future, but I'm loving the free one for now.

Again, I'm only a week in, so I haven't gotten to the real meat and potatoes of the course, but if it's anything like the first week I know it'll be great.

I know that if I continue to build productive habits and maintain the ones I build, I'll be well on my way to success.

Planning Makes Perfect: Depression (Part 2 of 5)

I first realized something was seriously wrong when I found myself suffocating myself with my pillow until it hurt my lungs, wanting that badly to stay in bed.

It wasn't the first time I'd done it. I can't say how many times I'd done it, just that it wasn't the first.

Another clue was when I was driving home for the weekend and I had to physically fight the urge to let go of the wheel almost any time I would see a curve coming up on the road.

The prospect of flying off the road to see what would happen, not to kill myself (aside from a time when I was a teenager, I've been largely averse to dying), was one of the few things that got my adrenal glands pumping those days.

This all took place my first and only semester at Auburn University. My depression had peaked for several reasons: I missed my friends in Austin, I was alone in Auburn, I was drinking heavily, I was smoking marijuana frequently, I hated the classes I was in, I wasn't good at making friends, and the list goes on.

Needless to say I wasn't in the best environment and I left before Thanksgiving.

Since then, it's come and gone. Mostly come. There have been a few periods in the last couple years that I haven't been dealing with it on some level. Oddly, the one that I can really quantify is just after my grandmother's death. A time when I should have plummeted. That's something I'll dissect later.

Since March of this year, my depression has steadily been making a come back. Beginning with a dysfunctional relationship and peaking two weeks ago, when I just wanted to leave Austin and not have to be responsible for what I was anymore.

In only a week it's gone largely into remission. The only times I feel particularly bad are times when I feel particularly lonely, but I can forget about those times nearly as easily as they come.

The reason, I believe, is because I'm becoming more and more happy with where I'm at and what I'm doing. I'm taking action on the problems I see in my life and being productive with my goals for the first time in a long time, possible for the first time ever to this extent.

Despite the progress I've already made, it isn't lasting. I haven't undergone the complete mental reconfiguration to make it permanent.

Unfortunately this isn't a step I can quantify. I don't think I'll really be able to post my progress on it, but all the same:

Make a conscious effort every day to be happy with where I'm at and all that is right in my life.

A more physical step I plan on taking is to begin taking medication. Technically, dietary supplements, but I'm always one for calling a spade a spade.

I'm going to drive to either Tallahassee or Birmingham (I'm thinking Birmingham so I can hit up the Whole Foods while I'm there) to see a physician to be tested and begin taking products from a company called NeuroScience, on the recommendation of friend who speaks very highly of the company and process.

I tried taking medication right after leaving Auburn and hated it. It was Lexapro, and instead of feeling better, I felt nothing. I was completely emotionally dead. I wasn't happy or sad or any range in between.

The problem with many antidepressants, is that the pill is basically a cocktail of ingredients. They contain varying amounts of whatever ingredient, but it isn't specialized. Rarely is the first dosage the right one and it's months and visits and pills later that the desired result is felt. Even once a dosage that works is found, that doesn't mean it's without things that aren't needed.

It's pretty commonly accepted that the chemical cause of depression is due to an imbalance of neurotransmitters. Specifically, the monoamine neurotransmitters norepeniphrine, dopamine, and seratonin.



The problem occurs when the chemicals don't travel from the presynaptic neuron to the postsynaptic neuron correctly. Either staying in the synaptic gap for too long, causing to postsynaptic neuron to fire off continuously (as is the case of cocaine, on the dopamine receptors), not producing enough of the chemical to correctly stimulate the postsynaptic neuron, or the chemical not staying in the synaptic gap long enough.

The majority of antidepressants are selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs. Their goal is to keep the seratonin in the synaptic gap longer, thereby stimulating the the postsynaptic neurons longer.

This is all well and good, except they largely don't account for the effects and needs of the other neurotransmitters. Whether the drug's intent or not, they still affect the dopamine and norepeniphrine receptors.

The difference with the NeuroScience products, is that you're tested before you take anything for what levels are lacking or excessive. So, the different medications that are prescribed to you, are catered to your specific need. And it's not one "cure all" drug either, there are different medications for different needs, so you're getting exactly what it is you need.

So, that is my current game plan to treat my depression. I'm hoping the neurotransmitters won't have the same effect as my past attempt at medicating myself, which I believe it won't. And I can't forget the power of creating a positive environment to be in. As sappy as it sounds, reminding myself daily how amazing my life is and how fortunate I am.

Planning makes perfect (Part 1of 5)

Now that I've established the things I want to fix, I need to decide the best way to accomplish these goals.

I could go about things haphazardly, trying things here and there as they came up, never sticking to a set plan, but I've tried that before and it hasn't gotten me very far at all.

So, I've got to come up with plans. Methods that are tried and true or methods that I establish. But the key is that these methods will be premeditated and I will stick to them.

As I've said, I have four main goals that I want to accomplish in this reformat.

• To get ahold of my depression.
• To increase my productivity.
• Get physically healthier.
• Become financially stable.

These are things that a lot of people want. My goals aren't special, I'm not out to save the world or become the next Tom Brady. But just because they're ordinary, doesn't make them any less important. Most people have specific goals in mind at all times. But most people don't actively seek to make their goals attainable.

I know. I'm most people. I've had people tell me since the first (of three) time I dropped out of school that I'm not the only person with these problems and a lot of people are uncertain about their future.

Oddly, telling me I wasn't special in a time of intense upheaval didn't do much to settle my nerves. I continued to flounder, go back to school because it was what I was supposed to do, drop out, rinse, repeat.

I've only recently realized that if I want to get something done, I have to put all my effort into it. Complete submersion and focus are the only things that will allow me to accomplish the goals I have. It may not be "what I'm supposed to do." It may be frowned upon. I may not have full support from people around me.

But if the end result is me getting what I desire, then it will have been worth it. Not to rub it in the doubter's faces (that will be wonderful, of course), but because I accomplished a major task to improve myself.

So I've got to come up with ways that I think will assuredly work. If there's the slightest bit of doubt about a technique, I have to revise it. It may not be until after I have started that I realize it's faulty, but that's part of learning. Especially learning to do things on your own.

The key is to keep my goals clear in my sights and to always be moving forward. When I make a revision, I have to ask myself:

"Is this taking me closer or further away from my goal?"

If it's taking me closer to my goal, then it's a good revision and I can work it into the big picture. If I decide it would take me further from my goal, then I have to keep things how they were or come up with a revision that does work.

No matter what obstacles I encounter, if I keep my goals clear in my sights and I keep moving forward, there's no way I can fail.

I'm going to have a new post every day for the rest of the week, detailing plans for each of my goals. Each plan will be researched, well thought out, and thorough. After I establish these plans, I will make it my dying effort to stick to them.

-Dova

Breaking it down

I started to get ahead of myself with another post. Delving into the self help like I'd already completed my reformat, forgetting that I'm just starting. I'll save it for later.

So what am I going to do?

The first step is to decide what it is I need to fix.

Firstly, I want to get a hold of my depression.

This has been a noticeable problem since high school, maybe even as early as middle school; I just didn't see it for what it was then. Truly, I didn't have any concept of what it meant to be depressed until my junior year of high school.

Despite being painfully aware of my dilemma, I have done little to rectify it. At least in absolute terms. I've done things to treat the symptoms: surrounding myself with people who force me to be social, trying new things to keep me stimulated, loving the people around me; but nothing to treat the disease.

For a time, this worked. The fall and winter of '07 was definitely the happiest time of my life. But being the fastest turtle I can be isn't saying much when I should be running like a cheetah.

I can't say exactly what I was doing that made me happier. The main thing I can think of that was different is that I wasn't particularly worried about anything. I put the troubles I was having deciding where my life was going on the shelf and focused solely on being happy with where I was at.

I think this is in itself an important aspect of mental health that I need to get back to:

To be happy with where I'm at.

That's not to say to be stagnant, like I was last fall. But to be happy with the progress I've made, even if I'm not quite where I want to be. And understand that, while I'm not quite where I want to be, I'm more than capable of getting there. Regardless of what it is I want to do.

Next:

I want to increase my productivity.

I'm terrible at staying productive. I operate in spurts in which I'll work like a fiend and then lose interest and my production slowly falls to nothing. I think this may be because I don't work on projects that truly capture my attention. Things that I like as a concept, but once I begin realize I don't really care for them in practice.

Another reason, is that I'm terrible at instituting any sort of habit. I never studied regularly, never stuck to cleaning schedules, bills are a nightmare, sleep comes and goes when it wants. As such, I'm never one to say "I'm going to do x on this day, y on this day, and z on this day," and stick to that schedule. My productivity suffers greatly when I can't maintain a schedule.

This past winter and spring, I had a regimen at the gym that I stuck to like clockwork. Mondays and Fridays I would climb with my weight vest and lift with more weight, focusing on strength, while on Wednesdays I would climb vest free and lift a lesser amount, focusing on stamina and technique. As a result, I saw greater strength gains than I had at any point in my life.

Get to the point where my own productivity motivates me.

Not only was I sticking to a strict workout schedule, but I was thoroughly enjoying climbing. I was loving having people compliment me on my body for the first time in my life, showing people up on the wall, and looking great. The motivation perpetuated itself.


This brings me to my next goal:

Get physically healthier.

I'm not in the worst shape in the world. But far from where I'd like to be. If I had a dollar for every time I became uncomfortable when the topic of weight came up around women I wouldn't have to worry about my next goal. I'm really self conscious about my weight, as most people are, only opposite. I feel guilty for having something most people really want (but don't really try to acquire) when I don't want it. When you've been told you're partly responsible for an eating disorder, you really can't help but not like it. I'm that skinny.

At the moment, I'm 5'10"-5'11", 135 pounds. I'm skinny. I'm weak. I'm not happy with it. I would like to gain 10 pounds of muscle. Which, while it will be difficult, it is certainly doable. I almost said I would be happy with gaining 5 pounds, but that would be a lie. I still wouldn't be satisfied.

Gaining 10 pounds wouldn't put me at very big weight, still in the Junior Welterweight class according to International Boxing Federation standards. But I think it'll put me at a really healthy weight. I would look very lean and trim, but not emaciated, which is my ideal body type. If I find that I still look really skinny at this weight, I'll reassess it then. But I can't really see that being the case.

It won't just be working out that I need to do, but also eating healthier. I've never eaten the best. Afraid of trying new foods, I shied away from many vegetables and most fruits until recently. But I'm finally opening up my palette, trying new dishes, even when my gut tells me, "You're going to hate this." I'm finally able to make logical decisions about what I eat, because I'm not afraid of foods anymore.

I'm not sure what my diet is going to be. I've been practically starving the last couple months, and being home only two days it feels amazing to not have to suppress an appetite and eat to my heart's content. For the time being, I'm going to focus on quantity over quality. Not ignoring the things I put into my body, but not being overly strict about it.

Soon, I'm going to implement some hybrid form of the MaxDiet, my friend Tynan's creation. And though it's a bastardization of one of the cornerstones, I'm 90% sure it's going to include meat. I'll do my own research and come up with something that I think will be either better or on par. If I find that I won't be able to manage it without significantly reducing the quality of my diet, I may go all MaxDiet.

Yes, I, Matthew Cordova, am considering becoming a vegetarian. You heard it here first and for those of you who know me know just crazy that sounds. Even to me.

I'm that serious about what I'm doing here.

Get in my ideal physical shape, through diet AND exercise, not one or the other.

My final major goal:

Become financially stable.

That's vague. I know. But what exactly I want is vague equally vague at this point. This is the biggest question mark for me right now. This also encompasses the broadest spectrum of things (though maybe not more than my mental health). What do I want to do to make money now, six months from now, a year from now, 30 years from now? I just can't say definitively.

What I want from money, long term, big goal, end all be all of making money, I think is very different than what most people want. At least it's very different than what we're lead to believe most people want, as far as society is concerned (I'll have more on this at some point).

I don't want to be rich. That is not my goal. If it takes that to reach my goal, so be it. What I want is to be comfortable. Not making vast sums of money that lead me to buy things that I don't need, but cause me to need even more money to pay for it all. I want to make a little more money than I need to pay for the things I want to do. Enough to cover the range of my expenses but still enough to save a decent amount for a rainy day.

I think too often people don't account for that rainy day that is bound to happen. I know I don't. I see that I've got extra money in my bank account and I spend it on new shoes or a video game. I don't think about the car that may need a new transmission sometime soon. I don't think about how I'm not always the safest person and that I very well could break my leg on any given day.

It's things like that that I also want to think about all the time. Budget out my expenses and what I need to keep under my bed. Really take the time to plan out my money the way I never have, but how everyone needs to.

Come up with a financial plan. Not just for making money, but spending it as well.

So, those are the major things I want to work on during this reformat. In the coming days I'll talk about how I expect to accomplish each of these goals. I've already began several systems for some of my goals, with more in mind. Some will be experimental and of my own design (this blog is one of them), some will be things I've heard about through the grapevine and I'll be testing them out on my own. Those I'm testing I'll review to help those who read in whatever they may want to accomplish. I won't be afraid to scrap something if it's not working or if I found something better. It's an experiment to say the least, but it's going to be a fruitful one.

-Dova