Getting at Those Pesky Roots

I said that until I get at the roots of my depression I won't be able to really be free of it. No matter how good I am at reducing the symptoms, part of it will still be there and rear it's ugly head occasionally.

I'm sure part of it is chemical. And I'll begin taking care of that more fully soon.

But a lot of it is me storing up years of anxiety.

Rarely do I talk about something when it's bothering me. I keep it to myself until finally I've had enough and I have a meltdown. This is good and bad. I rarely get really angry. Like, ever.

But when I do it's like Russell Crowe in a no holds barred match against a plethora of paparazzi. I cry, I yell, I punch walls (or people, or trees, or houses... my hands suffer the most.) But, almost as quickly as it comes it's gone again.

It's gone on this way for years, a long period of outward calm and then a blip of intense emotion. I'm sure you can see how this is good for interacting with people. People like me because I'm easy to get along with and don't ruffle too many feathers.

But for me, it's not really the best recipe for success. It takes a lot of effort to keep all that frustration under wraps. It would behoove me to just let it out and get on with it.

OR

Just let it go all together.

It sounds easy I guess and I'm not sure why I haven't done something about it before.

I guess I've spent too much time and effort figuring out what caused my problems and then being upset about the cause and not enough time FIXING the problems.

I realized it last night when I was talking to my mom. She suggested seeing a therapist to talk to. I said I didn't think that was necessary cause I've spent so much time talking to myself that I've got a pretty solid idea what's caused a lot of my depression.

"But are you able to let go of it?"

I don't think I've been able to. I've spent so much time being angry that I haven't let go of what's causing all the drama.

I spent years being angry at my older brother for crushing my self esteem growing up.

I spent years being angry at my father for never being there.

I've spent the last couple years being angry at myself for making so many mistakes coming out of high school and my apathy and financial ineptitude.

Being angry about these things hasn't done anything to fix the problems. Instead of dwelling on these problems after I discovered them, I should have decided to just LET. GO.

The past is past and you can't change it by being mad. Not that you can't let it shape your decisions for the future, but you can't let it rule your life.

See the things in your past you aren't happy with that have affected you.

Learn from them.

FORGET ABOUT IT.

This may upset the balance of some relationships, it definitely will with my father. Or it might FINALLY FIX THINGS, like it's going to with my brother and with myself.

But I've found the hard way you can't focus on keeping everyone else happy. You have to focus on keeping you happy.

It's time to stop being angry and just be.

I literally had these revelations last night and this morning and while I'm writing this. I hope you guys get at least a small bit of satisfaction and help from them.